Arguments? Maybe you think it’s war. But how many unnecessary wars have been fought for something other than religion? Well, maybe it isn’t always at the center of the fight, but it seems to always play a significant role (see Crusades, WWII, Rwanda, the Reconquista, Darfur—ethnicity is often hopelessly entwined with religion). There are those economic, world-domination-type wars and grumpy neighbor border disputes. But borders are often drawn by politicians with disregard for ethnicity and religion, leading to the dispute (see Iraq, Kashmir, the Balkans).
And I’d argue that economics are a natural, necessary consequence of civilized society, impossible to erase short of utopia. If more than one person exists in a space with limited resources, what you’ve got is an economy. With six billion people, the problem is six billion times as complicated and six billion times as necessary an evil.
Maybe you think it’s heartless capitalism and industrial pollution that have been more destructive — the tyranny of the rich and creation of rotting inner cities or the cancers created by all the artificial crap we eat and the free radicals we surround ourselves with. But people, please. The biggest human threat is posed by the thumping radicals ready to condemn others and to die themselves for their vision of God.
Religious zealots only agree on the people they hate: everyone who isn’t like them. In America, the religious right has hijacked the Republican Party, indignant that a globule of genetic material that might be manipulated into one day becoming a person would instead be used to treat actual, full-grown people with crippling diseases; hysterical over televised nipples and four-letter words heard on radio that their children learned in the first grade; or scared to death that gay men are coming to violate their rectums and destroy the meaning of their 50 percent divorce rate.
In the Cradle of Civilization, it seems the only thing most vocal Muslims can agree on is the inferiority of women, the dirtiness of their sexual desires, and killing Jews. OK, OK, there are moderates in any religion. But moderates don’t run the show.
Religion is an institution created out of fear of the unknown, greed, power, indoctrination, and --when not corrupted by these other forces -- a healthy personal choice.
The key there is "personal." I don’t know why it’s so hard for people to keep religion to themselves. Religion can be a positive force if it helps answer questions (even with what amount to comforting fantasies), provides solace, helps center your life, or offers a blueprint for how to be a good person that — for whatever reason — isn’t instinctual.
Now, I’m a skeptic. A cynical idealist. Where many Americans see the divine, I just see birds or a sunset. Where believers see synchronicity, I see randomness and coincidence. And if my agnosticism met someone else’s atheism on the street in search of differences, they might look at each other like Mary-Kate looks at Ashley: similar, confident, and thin.
I know I’m a minority in this country and not just because I’m a non-practicing Jew. A 2003 Harris poll determined that 80 percent of Americans belive in God. According to a recent Pew survey, 60 percent of Americans say that religion had a very important role in their lives and 54 percent had an “unfavorable” view of atheists. Fine. But keep that unfavorable view, and any other personal choice, to yourself.
If we disagree, and you're convinced I'm going to hell or to New Jersey or wherever, then why is that your problem? If I want to eat dirty socks or screw pastries or worship Ryan Seacrest, then I probably will be going to hell. Let me go, you judgmental, reactionary pricks.
I would never presume to preach or impose my attitudes on someone else. I might engage a good friend in spirited, spiritual conversation. But never with the intention of converting someone over to my side. That’s just presumptuous, egotistical, and stupid.
And yet, if you sift through the election results and witness the fury exploding all over Asia and Europe, it’s clear that tolerance ain’t really carrying the day.
In his last HBO show this season, Bill Maher (who’s hilarious, often dead-on correct, and yet hopelessly pompous, grating, and guilty of coddling that shrill, mindless, left-baiting twig Ann Coulter) made a solid point about the so-called “moral values” issue:
“Let’s examine what “moral values” are. Because I don’t think religion always corresponds with moral values…When we talk about values, I think of rationality in solving problems. That’s something I value. Fairness, kindness, generosity, tolerance. That’s different. When they talk about values, they’re talking about things like going to church, voting for Bush, being loyal to Jesus, praying. These are not values.”
I would agree — and even take it further. Religion undermines true morality by confusing the common sense teaching of Judeo-Christianity (just be a kind, generous person) with an endless string of arbitrary rules tainted further by orders to spread these rules to infidels and heathens like an unthinking computer virus. And so many of these rules have certainly been created by religious leaders to maintain their privileged place in society and subjugate women while they're at it (Orthodox Judaism with their segregationist, women-have-cooties doctrine as well as
Islam, that keeps their women — as Maher often says tactfully– “in the beekeeper suits”).
But I promised not to preach.
Instead, since I’m sure everyone is clamoring for it, I will let you all know how I, as a godless cynic, make my way without a guide book or scroll of divine lore. Granted, these are mostly items of luxury — stuff that poor folks in America or in developing countries can’t afford. Maybe they need religion. But they should still keep it to themselves.
So. Here, for no particular reason and in no particular order, is a partial list of things that, for me, make life worth living—or at the very least—a little more bearable. This is my list. Get
your own.
--Linguine with white clam sauce
--Love in the afternoon
--Poetic justice
--Lingerie
--Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
--Bruce Springsteen
--Sunday afternoon football
--Hockey playoffs
--The NCAA men’s basketball tournament
--Softball and beer on a sunny day
--Beers with friends any day
--A great movie that makes you think, laugh, dream, or feel something
--A dumb movie that makes you joke, taunt, or tear it apart with criticism
--Improvisational music with soul
--Humility
--Wit
--The treatment OJ Simpson gets whenever he goes out in public
--Fireflies and crisp starry nights in the summer
--The four seconds after a snowstorm before the pristine sparkly white blanket turns into black slushy crud
--Ben & Jerry’s
--Cherry Garcia Ice Cream
--A Parent’s unconditional love
--Sinking that shot, getting that hit, dishing that pass, scoring that goal, making that catch, winning that race…
--Reading a good magazine article while taking a nice, smooth, satisfying dump
--Crafting an original, logical, deep thought
--Making the perfect argument
--A first kiss
--Watching live music played with passion
--Sleep
--Daydreaming
--When hard work pays off
--Road trips
--Vacation
--Doing a favor
--Beating a dead horse
--Throwing caution to the wind
--Using cliches
--The Sopranos, The Simpsons, Seinfeld, Cheers,
--MST3K, The Larry Sanders Show, the first four seasons of ER, and the first three seasons of The West Wing
--The Band
--Evolution, Cosmology, and Quantum Mechanics
--Cable TV with a Digital Recording Device
--The changing seasons
--The panoramic view of a seascape or mountainside
--Personal growth
--Playing with babies
--Dogs
--Passionate work
--This quote by Edgar Varese, often spoken by Frank Zappa: “Knowledge is not wisdom; Wisdom is not truth; Truth is not beauty; Beauty is not music; Music is the best.”
--The Golden Rule
--Real Rock N Roll
--Skating the Stanley Cup on home ice
--Playing in a band
--Tailgating before a game
--Collections
--Nostalgia
--The art of conversation
--Thankfulness
--Stability
--Cleanliness
--The Doughy Eyes of Katie Holmes
--The mischievous smile of Cameron Diaz
--The legs of Tina Turner
--The ass of Jennifer Lopez
--The voice of Joni Mitchell
--The chest of Jennifer Love Hewitt
--The Perkiness of Jennifer Love Hewitt Banished and locked in Planet Krypton’s “Phantom Zone” for eternity
--Home grown buds
--Salvador Dali
--“The Far Side”
--Old school Mad Magazine
--The current state of Bob Sagat’s career
--Martin Broduer, Scott Stevens, Ken Daneyko, John Madden, and John Maclean
--Chad Pennington, Curtis Martin, Wayne Chrebet, Joe Klecko, Lance Mehl, Wesley Walker, Al Toon, and Mickey Schuler
--Democracy
--The Bill of Rights and all other Constitutional freedoms
--The Law of Averages
--Conan O’Brien
--Pleasant surprises
--George Carlin
--A Toasted sesame bagel with cream cheese
--Mutual respect
--A counter stool at the local diner with an omelet, a large OJ, and a newspaper
--A school/work snow day
--Weekends
--Adrenaline
--Full body
--Massages
--Flirting
--Thailand
--Long, pointless lists
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