Monday, June 23, 2008

Most People Are Not Particularly Good At Anything

This just sucks.

Waking up to this news on a cloudy day-off from work takes the luster off my laziness. This is sad, useless news. The kind that was certainly to be delivered eventually. The same as it will for us all.

Maybe there is some irony (nah) that thanks in part to George Carlin, I can get no solace from religion. I've often said that I'm a cynical idealist -- someone who expects the worst in people but deep down, often secretly, hopes for the best. My philosophy in life has been a marriage of the teachings of Carlin and Kurt Vonnegut, whose humanism always seemed to trump his deism and whose words I stole for this blog's epigraph.

Now they are both gone. And yeah, Vonnegut smoked unfiltered Pall Malls most of his life, almost as a defiant tar-stained middle finger to any almighty being who might strike him down for having dared to live so long with two such abused lungs. And Carlin lived to 71, leaving us piles of wisdom disguised as comedy. He had done enough for me, even if I always clammored for more. It's his family's loss I feel today.

But I won't pray for them. Or him. The old dead bastard said it best:

"If it's God's will, and he's going to do what he wants to anyway, why the fuck bothering praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me."

But not you, George.


Spirituality: the last refuge of a failed human. Just another way of distracting yourself from who you really are.

You know what you never hear about? A bunch of Jews being hit by a tornado.

Every six minutes there's a rape in this country, and boy, is my dick sore. I'm tellin' ya, every day, house to house, there's no letup. It's a fuckin' hassle.

There's something I like about the clitoris, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

If there really are multiple universes, what do they call the thing they're all a part of?

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.

I'd like to pass along a piece of wisdom my first-grade teacher shared with us kids. She said, "You show me a tropical fruit, and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala." I'll always remember that.

I hope we're not just human garbage drifting toward a big sewer. But I think so.

Do you ever open the dictionary right to the page you want? Doesn't that feel good?

They say only 10 percent of the brain's function is known. Apparently, the function of the remaining 90 percent is to keep us from discovering its function.

Griddle cakes, pancakes, hotcakes, flapjacks: why are there four names for grilled batter and only one word for love?

I would like to open a restaurant, call it the Marilyn Monroe Cafe, and put hundreds of pictures of Jeff Goldblum on the

Here's more bullshit middlebrow philosophy: "That which doesn't kill me makes me stronger." I've got something a little more realistic: "That which doesn't kill me still may sever my spinal cord, crush my rib cage, cave in my skull, and leave me helpless and paralyzed, soaking in a puddle of my own waste." Put that on your T-shirt, touchy-feely, New Age asshole!

Life and let live, that's what I say. Anyone who can't understand that should be killed. It's a simple philosophy, but it's always worked well in our family.

I don't understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal, fucking is legal. So, why isn't it legal to sell fucking? Why should it be illegal to sell something that's legal to give away? I can't follow the logic. Of all the things you can do to a person, giving them an orgasm is hardly the worst.

In the army they give you a medal for killing people; in civilian life you go to jail for giving them orgasms. Am I missing something?

Why aren't there any really disturbing pop songs, like "Tomorrow I'm Gonna Fuck Your Wife."

A long time ago in England a guy named Thomas Culpepper was hanged, beheaded, quartered, and disemboweled. Why do I have the impression women were not involved in these activities?

If a group of people stand around in a circle long enough, eventually they will begin to dance.

Why is it every time some celebrity gets cancer the National Enquirer says he's "vowed to lick this thing." Just once I'd like to hear a guy say, "I've got cancer, and this is it. I'll be dead in a few months."

Friday, June 20, 2008

But enough about boobs (sort of)

By TPerl

Just to show I can appreciate some good political/social commentary, check out what CBS News Chief Foreign Correspondent Lara Logan had to say on The Daily Show, confirming what most intelligent folk already knew about the US news media. Still, it's somewhat surprising to hear someone in the mainstream media be so blunt.

Plus, she's smokin hot.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

The Erotic Adventures of Hercules

Tory McClure film or actual terrible movie? Take the suprisingly difficult quiz.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Thursday, June 12, 2008

My Vote for Prom Queen

By TPerl

The above picture is an actual high school prom photo (see above link for the full album). While the photo certainly speaks for itself, here are some of my thoughts:
- Is she really the kid's classmate, or a professional escort?
- I guess girls really do mature much faster than boys
- What's with the slanty photography? Do those huge fucking tits have their own gravitational pull or something?
- I guess the reason this dude looks so pale is 'cause all the blood is rushing from his head to the huge erection forming in his tuxedo
- If this is what passes for prom dresses these days, I'll just have to break the news to my daughters now that they will never attend a prom. In fact, they may never attend high school.

Here's one more look, in case you missed it:

"Hey, my eyes are up here buddy! What? Oh yeah, you're right, who needs eyes when you got these ginormous funbags to swing around?"

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

And Then There's This

I'm a cynical idealist. I expect the worst in people, but deep down, I hope for the best. There has been little to hope for over the last seven or eight years and much reason to dispair. I have seen the future, brother. It is murder.

And though a president can't fix everything that's broken or likely do anything by himself, there is something to be said for inspiration. And integrity. And even though it's a cliche damn it: hope.

Take it from the little Jew who wrote the bible:

I've seen the nations rise and fall
I've heard their stories, heard them all
but love's the only engine of survival
Your servant here, he has been told
to say it clear, to say it cold:
It's over, it ain't going
any further