Peyton Manning Dedicates Super Bowl to His Retarded Little Brother

Even better than Super Bowl hype: Cracked's Super Bowl ESPN parody.

Almost as funny as this classic from The Onion, trumpeting the long-promised return of the '85 Bears to the recording studio for a follow-up to "The Super Bowl Shuffle."

Best bit:

Gault went on to strongly deny rumors that the Crew was returning to the studio looking for trouble.

"We didn't come here looking for trouble," Gault said. "We just came to record the long-awaited follow-up to the 'Super Bowl Shuffle.'"

Bear Down, Chicago Cubs?

By Arielle

One week til Super Bowl Sunday, and I am totally torn.

As a displaced Chicagoan, it is probably my patriotic duty to root for Da Bears. Even though I've been coerced into being a Jets fan, I should still root for the home team. Right? But consider this:

1. Rex Grossman. In just one week and 10 hours of annoying hype and repetitive commericals, all of this guy's incompetence, interceptions and "not giving it 100 percent" could be washed away with a Super Bowl win. Is that possibly fair? Dumb luck hasn't hit anyone so undeserving since Paris Hilton was born into money.

2. Brian Urlacher makes me think of a member of the Hitler Youth. I know it's wrong to say this, but I can't help it. Dude needs some hair.

3. Tank Johnson. I'm no gun-safety expert, but it seems like if you've been arrested twice already, perhaps it'd be a good idea to get rid of your assault rifle collection. (On the other hand, since his bodyguard was killed the next day, maybe Tank was onto something.)

4. The NFC doesn't deserve a Super Bowl this year.

5. As a Cubs fan, I would be kind of sad to see the other major sports teams in town win championships while we're on the doorstep of 100 years.

On the other hand...

1. How could I root for Indianapolis, of all places, over my beloved Chicago? I mean, is it even possible?

2. How can you root against a guy named Lovie?

3. The Peyton Manning storyline has finally advanced ("guy who can't get to the Super Bowl" will become, at the very least, "guy who can't win the Super Bowl") so what's wrong with a few more years of it?

4. I do get a little choked up when I hear the Bears fight song. Come on, admit it's endearing: "We'll never forget the way you thrilled the nation/With your T formation...You're the pride and joy of Illinois." If not also mildly embarrassing. And let's not forget the Super Bowl Shuffle...

5. As much as I dislike the guy, I am sort of jealous of Tank Johnson's nickname. Admit it - there are few things cooler than getting the name Tank Johnson on the back of your uniform. I am hoping that someday people will nickname me "Tank" as well.

I can't believe I'm giving this much thought to a bunch of overweight guys running around in spandex pants.

I think I've decided to root for the Bears, but I just can't feel it. Head's in it, heart's not. Or maybe it's the way around. But either way, I'll leave it up to you, dear reader(s?), to please weigh in: who's my pick?

At this point, the only thing I know I'll be rooting for is for no Jessica Simpson commericals this year.

Old Man in the Clink

Check in on the 96-year-old inmate of the Middlesex County pokey. And then see if you can figure out where the network news get their stories.

Habeas Schmabeas

The Attorney General of the United States of America told a U.S. Senator at a Congressional hearing that the U.S. Constitution does not impart the right of habeas corpus to U.S. citizens.

That noise you are hearing is the theme music from "The Twighlight Zone."

Our president has worked tirelessly to increase the power of the executive at the expense of the other branches.

This is no secret. Cheney, ex- SecDef Rumsfeld and their legal advisors, like John Yoo, have openly stated their intention to return the presidency to what they see as its rightful place of power after its diminished status post-Watergate.

Bush has added 800 signing statements to laws passed by Congress modifying or basically stating his bald intention to ignore them (as opposed to about 500 statements written by every other president in our country's history). This includes the McCain ban on torture. Where is the check when the president can simply tag on an addendum saying, "Nah. Think I'll ignore this one"? He has the right to veto bills. But instead, he actively undermines one of the most vital checks on executive power.

Now don't get me wrong. I know we are fighting for our survival (which is a fight we seem unlikely to lose, considering the enemy simply wants to end civilization). I believe we need a strong executive. I support and admire law enforcement and military personnel who work tirelessly and risk their lives to protect me. I believe the men and women of our police, intelligence agencies and military forces are mostly of the highest character and with the best intentions.

But police and intelligence agents can sometimes be overly aggressive in their techniques. And sometimes, they get the wrong guy.

The core idea of creating a system of jurisprudence lies in the suffix "prudence." No free people should feel the need to simply trust their government to get it right all the time right from the outset. Governments are made of people. And people make mistakes. There are stops and checks to make sure innocent people don't rot away in dark cells (in this country, Cuba or Eastern Europe).

Personally, I don't much care if Kaleid Sheik Mohammad spends the rest of his miserable life in a 2-foot square box with needles in his eyes. But how can we be sure every "terror suspect" is in fact guilty? Our government has already released hundreds of terrorist suspects after years without due process or access to their families. All of a sudden they aren't dangerous? Does our president or his talk radio aparatchicks ever wonder what it might be like to have the wrong name, come from the wrong country, attend the wrong mosque or otherwise be completely and innocently screwed by circumstances?

Every year the U.S. State Department issues a report on human rights violations worldwide. In the report, we itemize the abuses of government in places like North Korea, China and Iran. We condemn them for their political imprisonments, torture tactics and lack of due process.

I'm not comparing our government to these regimes. But on the path we are following, by enshrining extreme and unnecessary terror-fighting tactics as law, there will be nothing to stop them from making those comparisons.

America should not look like this. Fear of terrorism is no excuse for abandoning the values that make this country better than all the others. I'm talking about real values, not the bullshit Republican wedge-issue values they float to win elections.

And to suggest we have to play dirty because the terrorists play dirty only concedes them the war. If we sell out our values and our rule of law, we'll have nothing left worth defending. Just some land and our fears.

Scrubs is The Shit

By Tperl

I've said it many times before - Scrubs is one of the funniest shows on TV. Tonight NBC will air the much anticipated musical episode. If you've ever seen the show, I'm sure you'll agree with me that this format actually makes perfect sense for the show's type of humor, and could potentially be one of the best Scrubs episdoes...EVER.

Anyway, if you're even the least bit curious, check out this sneak peek and see if it's for you.

King for a Day

I know it's a few days late, but I thought in honor of the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., I'd link to some seldom-discussed tidbits about his plagiarism and ravenous sexual escapades. He was a great American, who accomplished great things for equality and tolerance in this country. He was also a complicated hypocrite.

I have a dirty dream today. Halelujah!

Large coffee, jelly donut, and last night's episode on DVD please.

By TPerl

I shit you not - the first 4 hours of "24" that JUST AIRED on Sunday and Monday is now available on DVD for the super low price of just $11.98 (or $9.99 on Amazon).

And wait! There's more! The DVD includes a "never-before-seen 12-minute preview of the next explosive episode".

"Never-before-seen"? I hate to state the obvious here, but it ain't seen yet 'cause it hasn't fucking aired yet.

And yet the Fox website proudly promotes "BE THE FIRST TO SEE 12 MINUTES OF EPISODE 5 BEFORE IT AIRS!"

Yeah, as long as you pay the extra 10 bucks for overnight shipping. And congrats on seeing 12 minutes on Sunday that we all can watch for free on Monday.

I'm not really sure why this bothers me so much, but I somehow feel like we've crossed the line into some weird new world where network executives and marketing departments have begun to take over the world. Perhaps we're just moments away from some kind of Terminator-like judgement day.

I think we need to send Jack Bauer back in time to kill this thing where it all started - I suspect that if Henry Winkler was assassinated just before he filmed that now-infamous shark-jumping episode, then humanity might just stand a chance.

There is no fate than what we make for ourselves.

It was an honor just being...a winner?

By TPerl

Now that the movie award season is upon us, I'm sure you've seen all the latest movie commercials, touting nominations for Golden Globes and perhaps even SAG awards.

I saw a recent commercial for "Dreamgirls" which made me shout a big "What the fuck?" at the TV screen. It went something like this: "Dreamgirls. Winner of 5 Golden Globe nominations, including..."

Wait - what was that?

"Winner"? Winner of what? Winner of a fucking NOMINATION? Winner of a chance to win?

The commercials for Borat are also doing it.

This follows another similar trend in movie advertising where a movie trailer or poster will now list "Academy Award nominee" under an actor's name.

What's Next?: "...Starring Tobey Maguire: Winner of the 2003 MTV Movie Award for Best Kiss"

If there was any justice in the world, any movie using these sketchy tactics should be forced to update their ads after the awards are given:

"Now playing - Dreamgirls. Loser of 4 Golden Globes and 3 Academy awards. With Academy Award loser Eddie Murphy. Critics exclaim: '2 stars!' 'Wait until this one comes out on DVD!'."


By the way, congratulate me, everyone. I just got a notice in the mail stating that I've won $5 million dollars! ...if any of the numbers on my entry form match the winning number to be drawn on March 16th.

But at least I won!

And you too may already be a winner!

Once More Unto the Breach, Dear Intolerant Friends, Once More

Now that the yule log has burned to ash and we can all slip off our gay apparel, it's high time to mobilize in anticipation of the next dire threat on our holiday horizon.

All Christians, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, Scientologists, Wiccans and miscellaneous true-believers (but not those despicable atheists) owe a national debt to Bill O'Reilly for his virtuous and brave defensive maneuvers in the great secular War on Christmas. Without his dogged, self-aggrandizing devotion, American Christians might have been forced to hear such hateful phrases as "Happy Holidays" or otherwise feel pressure to act with public consideration toward minority religions. Mission accomplished!

But as February looms around the corner and car dealerships everywhere ready to mount their bows of bunting, we as a nation must gird ourselves for the next great attack: The War on Washington's Birthday.

Perhaps you know it better as Presidents' Day. But that is what the secular-progressive Washington-hating advertisers want you to call it. Because while Washington's Birthday is the only presidential holiday recognized by our inerrant, God-fearing federal government, the pagans on Madison Avenue would rather cross-breed our first and 16th presidents in some orgy of home appliance and linen bargains.

Washington's nativity occurred on Feb. 22, 1732 of our Gregorian calendar, although he was actually born on Feb. 11, 1731 by the Julian calendar in use at the time. England eventually reformed this calendar, and Julian sounds like a girls' name anyway … hardly worthy of our
attention.

Under the 1968 Uniform Monday Holiday Act, Washington's birthday from 1971 onward was celebrated on the third Monday of February. The idea was to create more three-day holidays and introduce Columbus Day in October (I believe to honor the guy who would go on to direct Mrs. Doubtfire).

From what I've been able to glean from some devout Washingtonian Web sites, an insatiable cabal of New York advertisers then conspired to defile this new separation of the observed Washington holiday from his actual birthday by invoking Abraham Lincoln's Feb. 12 birthday and calling the whole thing Presidents' Day. Some even believe the day established to honor Washington, The Father of Our Country, stands for all U.S. Presidents. That's right. Even the Democrats!

Now, I'm not one to poke fun at James K. Polk. And as a Jew, I've often taken pride in sharing my last name with such mensches as presidents Benjamin and William Henry Harrison. But did any of them lead the Continental Army to victory in the Revolutionary War? Or pose for the currency that today we stuff into dancers' g-strings?

No, sir. Washington's Birthday is not a day to celebrate Lincoln or Ford or even Tampa Bay Buccaneers running back Cadillac Williams. And it's a day -- a birthday. Not a two-week clearance sale. There should be candles and cake and wooden teeth covered with frosting.

Many states celebrate Washington's Birthday and Lincoln's Birthday. Some celebrate only
Washington, and some celebrate neither. This year New Jersey will close state offices on Lincoln's Birthday and Presidents' Day (Feb. 19), but not Washington's actual birthday.

Poppycock! We only have about 40 shopping days until Washington's 275th birthday bash (I propose calling the day which precedes it, Washmas Eve). So while you're buying your discounted cappuccino machine, think about what that great man accomplished at Valley Forge and on the Hudson River. And what it would be like today if we spoke all British-like and ate lumpy food.

The Great White North

Cyber Neil Peart

And while we're at it, why don't we give a listen to this blog's titular song:

First Aid, Then Bill

Woodbridge first aid squads face financial challenges and petty disputes. The lengthy lowdown here.

Iraqi Graffiti

Well, that third marquee death after James Brown and Gerald Ford turned out to be Saddam Hussein. Couldn't happen to a nicer guy, although it seems as though it could have happened in a nicer way.

A White House spokesman said that as of yesterday, Bush had not bothered to even watch video of the lynching he made possible. I'm not sure I believe that, but if true, it only points to how unaccountable and out of touch he is.

But the definitive list of his sins in Iraq have been catalogued by Ken Pollack. Read this and then try and tell me how history will vindicate this administration. History is now.

Perth Amboy Nights: The Ballad of Charlie Uzar

A 96-year-old man in Perth Amboy faces three months in jail for repeated traffic violations, including the hit-and-run of a deaf and mute pedestrian.

It sort of writes itself.