Once More Unto the Breach, Dear Intolerant Friends, Once More

Now that the yule log has burned to ash and we can all slip off our gay apparel, it's high time to mobilize in anticipation of the next dire threat on our holiday horizon.

All Christians, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, Scientologists, Wiccans and miscellaneous true-believers (but not those despicable atheists) owe a national debt to Bill O'Reilly for his virtuous and brave defensive maneuvers in the great secular War on Christmas. Without his dogged, self-aggrandizing devotion, American Christians might have been forced to hear such hateful phrases as "Happy Holidays" or otherwise feel pressure to act with public consideration toward minority religions. Mission accomplished!

But as February looms around the corner and car dealerships everywhere ready to mount their bows of bunting, we as a nation must gird ourselves for the next great attack: The War on Washington's Birthday.

Perhaps you know it better as Presidents' Day. But that is what the secular-progressive Washington-hating advertisers want you to call it. Because while Washington's Birthday is the only presidential holiday recognized by our inerrant, God-fearing federal government, the pagans on Madison Avenue would rather cross-breed our first and 16th presidents in some orgy of home appliance and linen bargains.

Washington's nativity occurred on Feb. 22, 1732 of our Gregorian calendar, although he was actually born on Feb. 11, 1731 by the Julian calendar in use at the time. England eventually reformed this calendar, and Julian sounds like a girls' name anyway … hardly worthy of our
attention.

Under the 1968 Uniform Monday Holiday Act, Washington's birthday from 1971 onward was celebrated on the third Monday of February. The idea was to create more three-day holidays and introduce Columbus Day in October (I believe to honor the guy who would go on to direct Mrs. Doubtfire).

From what I've been able to glean from some devout Washingtonian Web sites, an insatiable cabal of New York advertisers then conspired to defile this new separation of the observed Washington holiday from his actual birthday by invoking Abraham Lincoln's Feb. 12 birthday and calling the whole thing Presidents' Day. Some even believe the day established to honor Washington, The Father of Our Country, stands for all U.S. Presidents. That's right. Even the Democrats!

Now, I'm not one to poke fun at James K. Polk. And as a Jew, I've often taken pride in sharing my last name with such mensches as presidents Benjamin and William Henry Harrison. But did any of them lead the Continental Army to victory in the Revolutionary War? Or pose for the currency that today we stuff into dancers' g-strings?

No, sir. Washington's Birthday is not a day to celebrate Lincoln or Ford or even Tampa Bay Buccaneers running back Cadillac Williams. And it's a day -- a birthday. Not a two-week clearance sale. There should be candles and cake and wooden teeth covered with frosting.

Many states celebrate Washington's Birthday and Lincoln's Birthday. Some celebrate only
Washington, and some celebrate neither. This year New Jersey will close state offices on Lincoln's Birthday and Presidents' Day (Feb. 19), but not Washington's actual birthday.

Poppycock! We only have about 40 shopping days until Washington's 275th birthday bash (I propose calling the day which precedes it, Washmas Eve). So while you're buying your discounted cappuccino machine, think about what that great man accomplished at Valley Forge and on the Hudson River. And what it would be like today if we spoke all British-like and ate lumpy food.