Saturday, November 29, 2008

Just the Plax, Ma'am

I'm not one to get all high on the Jets recent success. The Giants are (sickeningly) by far the best team in the league this year.

For the Giants to fail to win the Super Bowl again, they would really have to shoot themselves in the foot.

Er. Bad choice of words?

Monday, November 24, 2008

Hannity & A Tube Sock

Alan Colmes will be leaving the "Hannity & Colmes" show on Fox News after 12 years.

How long will it take for anyone to notice he's gone?

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Lizard People

Vote on how ballots in the Minnesota Senate race should count.

If you ask me, anyone who can't fill in a simple bubble next to a name doesn't deserve to participate in democracy.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Run, Forest, Run (Away From This Horrible Woman)

It's time for my semi-annual rant against the evils of Forrest Gump.

I caught about 10 minutes of the shit-fest toward the end. After the moronic cross-country running sequence dictated by plot necessity and featuring the origin of that great American invention, the smiley face T-shirt miraculously transmitted via mudstain. The part when the flashbacks end and Gump realizes he doesn't need to wait for the bus. When he goes to Jenny's apartment and meets his son.

That bit always gets to me. Jenny tells him that Haley Joel Osment is his son, and he freezes up, slowly backing away. Jenny explains he's done nothing wrong (No shit, lady!). And Hanks does this vulnerable, somewhat feminine thing with his hand against his chest as he gathers the courage to ask her if the boy is mentally retarded like him but never quite gets it all out before Jenny answers him. The look of fear and confusion and relief and pride that wash over his face earned Hanks his Oscar right there.

But that's what kills me about this stoooopid movie. I've said before that if there has ever been a more cloying, crass attempt to manipulate an audience without an actual purpose or message, then I haven't seen it.

Seriously. What are we supposed to take away from this film? Stupid is as stupid does? America has gone through some tough and interesting times? War and AIDS are bad? Life is like a box of morons spouting inane drivel to a captive audience?

But what we as a nation need to discuss more often is this: Jenny is the most reprehensible character in the history of American cinema.

Just about every decision she makes is selfish and cruel. We are supposed to sympathize with her because she had an abusive father and was kind to our simple-minded hero. She's America: a flawed beauty born from chaos with a heart of gold and dreams that fuel her excesses.

Fine, sure, whatever.

But how to explain the pure cruelty of her supposed redemption and martyrdom? After teasing Gump for the near entirety of his absurd life, she succumbs to her loneliness by bedding him, hides her pregnancy and his son for three years, and then springs the kid on him when she needs 24-hour nursing for her pathetic, dying ass.

And she asks him to marry her? While the movie wants us to believe this is her great redemptive act of true love, it's actually the cruelest of all her selfish acts.

Here's a good summary of her character arc: No, you can't have me. No. Not yet. Nope. Gotta snort coke and experience the counter-culture, man. Nope. We don't want your stinkin' war! Nope. Ah, what the hell, fuck me just this once. And nope again. See you later. Hey, here's this kid of yours. You can have me now, while I waste away from this debilitating disease and leave you alone for eternity.

Jenny. Baby. If life is like a box of chocolates, you're the one with that rancid mint inside.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

New and Sort of...Green!

Welcome to the slightly improved and evolving Rolling Bones. Do not adjust your computer monitor. That sickly green shade is called ocre. And we be rocking it today.

Just one of the many improvements you can expect here as we work to make your life just a little more boney. What's that you say? Not so much interested in change?

Sounds like you've got yourself a little case of the McCains. Take two hopes and call me in the morning.

The Most Oppressed Person in America

By TPerl

Wanda Sykes is a black, gay, woman. She might as well just go for broke and become a Scientology-worshipping, dog-fight-organizing, pro-life, terrorist with AIDS.

And be Mexican.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Our Next President

By Arielle
There is no subtext here. I just love this photo.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Thank God

By TPerl

It took 8 years, but America finally got it right.

Monday, November 03, 2008