Run, Forest, Run (Away From This Horrible Woman)

It's time for my semi-annual rant against the evils of Forrest Gump.

I caught about 10 minutes of the shit-fest toward the end. After the moronic cross-country running sequence dictated by plot necessity and featuring the origin of that great American invention, the smiley face T-shirt miraculously transmitted via mudstain. The part when the flashbacks end and Gump realizes he doesn't need to wait for the bus. When he goes to Jenny's apartment and meets his son.

That bit always gets to me. Jenny tells him that Haley Joel Osment is his son, and he freezes up, slowly backing away. Jenny explains he's done nothing wrong (No shit, lady!). And Hanks does this vulnerable, somewhat feminine thing with his hand against his chest as he gathers the courage to ask her if the boy is mentally retarded like him but never quite gets it all out before Jenny answers him. The look of fear and confusion and relief and pride that wash over his face earned Hanks his Oscar right there.

But that's what kills me about this stoooopid movie. I've said before that if there has ever been a more cloying, crass attempt to manipulate an audience without an actual purpose or message, then I haven't seen it.

Seriously. What are we supposed to take away from this film? Stupid is as stupid does? America has gone through some tough and interesting times? War and AIDS are bad? Life is like a box of morons spouting inane drivel to a captive audience?

But what we as a nation need to discuss more often is this: Jenny is the most reprehensible character in the history of American cinema.

Just about every decision she makes is selfish and cruel. We are supposed to sympathize with her because she had an abusive father and was kind to our simple-minded hero. She's America: a flawed beauty born from chaos with a heart of gold and dreams that fuel her excesses.

Fine, sure, whatever.

But how to explain the pure cruelty of her supposed redemption and martyrdom? After teasing Gump for the near entirety of his absurd life, she succumbs to her loneliness by bedding him, hides her pregnancy and his son for three years, and then springs the kid on him when she needs 24-hour nursing for her pathetic, dying ass.

And she asks him to marry her? While the movie wants us to believe this is her great redemptive act of true love, it's actually the cruelest of all her selfish acts.

Here's a good summary of her character arc: No, you can't have me. No. Not yet. Nope. Gotta snort coke and experience the counter-culture, man. Nope. We don't want your stinkin' war! Nope. Ah, what the hell, fuck me just this once. And nope again. See you later. Hey, here's this kid of yours. You can have me now, while I waste away from this debilitating disease and leave you alone for eternity.

Jenny. Baby. If life is like a box of chocolates, you're the one with that rancid mint inside.