'85 Bears Return to Studio

Perhaps my favorite all-time Onion story, cut-and-pasted here for your reading pleasure in clear violation of copyright law:

CHICAGO -- In news that has electrified the music world, the Chicago Bears Shufflin' Crew announced Monday that it is reuniting and will soon begin work on its first new material since the seminal 1985 single "Super Bowl Shuffle. "

Confirming the recent swirl of music-industry rumors regarding a possible anniversary reunion, Shufflin' Crew lead singer Willie Gault told reporters, after years of solo gigs and side projects, "we decided it was time for us to work together again."

Gault went on to strongly deny rumors that the Crew was returning to the studio looking for trouble.

"We didn't come here looking for trouble," Gault said. "We just came to record the long-awaited follow-up to the 'Super Bowl Shuffle.'"

According to Shufflin' Crew member William Refrigerator Perry, he, Gault, and punky QB Jim McMahon have already sketched out rough demo versions of 10 to 15 songs, which, over the next two months, will be fleshed out in the studio with Chicago-based producer Steve Albini. Perry said fans can expect the new album to be much darker and more introspective than the group's Shuffle-era work.

"[The new album] will definitely reflect our maturation, both as a group and as individuals," said Perry, who may be large but is no dumb cookie. Back then, we were young, wild, and arrogant: Jim [McMahon] had his spiked hair, shades, and controversial, message-bearing headbands, and I had my legendary eating exploits and rushing touchdowns. We kind of had this attitude like, 'We're so bad, we know we're good, blowing your mind like we knew we would.' But, while the new record will still have that trademark Shufflin' Crew swagger, it will also show our more reflective side. "

All of the original Shufflin' Crew members are expected to participate in the reunion, with the exception of recently deceased Walter Payton, to whom the new album will be dedicated, and Otis Wilson, who told Spin magazine in a recent interview that his heart just isn't in it anymore. "Back when the group first started, we were just struttin' for fun," Wilson said. "But once we hit it big, everything changed. Suddenly, there were business meetings, publicity appearances, video shoots, Wheaties boxes, sponsorship deals. Before long, it wasn't about the music anymore. That's when I knew I had to get out. "

Numerous names have circulated as possible Wilson replacements, ranging from former Poco bassist Jim Messina to former Bengals running back Ickey Woods.

"Otis has made his decision, and we respect that. It will be difficult, but we must go on as a band without him," Shufflin' Crew co-founder and lead guitarist Mike Singletary said.

While the album is still months from completion, the Shufflin' Crew tried out some of the new material at an unannounced gig at Chicago's Empty Bottle music club last Friday. Response from the sold-out crowd was overwhelmingly positive.

"They sounded really good, really tight, man," said die hard fan Jeff Rampling of Des Plaines, IL, who estimated he has been to more than 250 Shufflin' Crew shows. "Once they got warmed up, they were rocking like vintage '85 Crew."

"They kicked some serious ass tonight," said Don Frischman, the lead singer of Four-Six Defense, a Shufflin' Crew tribute band. "Richard Dent still blows me away live."

In negotiating terms for the new album with Atlantic Records, the Shufflin' Crew made one demand: complete creative control over the project.

"We made it clear that under no circumstances would we allow participation by the female referee who twice blew a whistle over our singers' attempts to say the word 'ass' during the 'Shuffle' sessions," Singletary said. "The Bears traffic in the truth, and either you can handle it or you can't. Censorship is slavery."

Expected to hit stores in early 2004, the new album will be followed by a world tour in the spring of that year. All proceeds from both the album and tour will go to charity. "I want to stress that we are not doing this because we're greedy," backup singer Steve Fuller said. "The Bears are doing this to feed the needy."

One of the most successful bands of the mid-'80s, the Shufflin' Crew broke up in October 1987 due to creative differences and infighting, particularly between Gault and keyboardist Gary Fencik. Gault embarked on a solo career in 1988 and scored a minor R & B hit with "Chocolate Swirl (That's What I'm As Smooth As)," but never equaled the success he enjoyed with the Shufflin' Crew. Fencik and Fuller went on to form the supergroup Touchback with New York Giants wide receiver Phil McConkey and Kansas City Chiefs fullback Christian Okoye.

"After so many years apart, it feels good to be back together again," Gault said. "But most of all, I'm happy for all the Bears Shufflin' Crew fans out there. You guys are the reason we're shufflin' on down. We're doin' it for you."