Woo-hoo Oscars! What other day of the year can you force yourself to endure the grotesque face-off between Joan and Jones? Rivers and Star? A stretch-faced fright mask and a lumpy bowl of pudding? Watch as two braying humanoids corral millionaires into squirmy seconds of anus-slathering for your entertainment! It's almost enough to make you feel sorry for a pompous ass like Warren Beatty. Almost.
And it was a grand joy to watch The Motion Picture Association of Arts and Sciences honor Hilary Swank for her plucky portrayal of a girl who cajoles an old fogy to teach her how to fight, cementing an asexual intergenerational bond tinged with sweetness and tragedy. But how come no golden trophy for the great film or its director? Perhaps the Academy was too nostalgic for Ralph Macchio to properly recognize "The Next Karate Kid" this year. Not to mention the snubbing of Pat Morita and Michael Ironside. Maybe next year, guys!
Also, it was nice to see that they let so many black people into the Kodak Theater for the ceremony. There were such film greats as Jay-Z, Prince and Oprah. "Pootie Tang" star Chris Rock hosted. And though it's been years since his triumph in "Iron Eagle IV," Louis Gossett, Jr. got a prime seat. Two black people even won awards, and only one of them for playing the same, non-threatening, beatific man he's played in every movie for the last 20 years. Way to be affirmatively active, Academy!
Anyway, I could go on forever talking Oscars. They are my favorite phallic awards. But speaking of penises, you've really got to check out the FAQ on Star Jones' website. Learn the answers to pressing questions: "Where did Star get such great self-esteem from?" and "Does Star really wear Payless shoes?" Her website's motto says it all: "I am the author of the only dictionary that defines me." Quick question for Star: Why in heavens would you name your dictionary The New World Collegiate Heaving Blob of Elephant Shit?
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2 comments:
Er...Clint Eastwood did win the Oscar for Best Director for Million Dollar Baby, why did you say "But how come no golden trophy for the great film or its director?"
Er...sorry to have to point out the sarcastic tone of the post, but I was poking fun at the fact that the plot for "Million Dollar Baby" seems awfully similar to Hilary Swank's "The Next Karate Kid" in 1993, which, come to think of it, is awfully similar to "Rocky" and "The Champ" and any other movie with eccentric old trainers and their young fighters.
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