Dream Girl

Warning: This list has gotten me in more trouble than it's worth. It IS NOT a list of prerequisites. It is not--at least not primarily--the reason why I am single. It's not even a wish-list of attributes.

It's an exercise in assembling a fantasy--the perfect girl in a perfect world. And in case you haven't noticed the crime and pollution and tsunamis and inept politicians and such, we don't live in a perfect world.

This is something like assembling the perfect quarterback with Michael Vick's legs and John Elway's right arm and Joe Montana's head.

So I don't want to hear any griping (as I invariably do from any female I've been foolish enough to share this with). It's all in good fun. Let's see your list.

My Dream Girl

Will, in no particular order except for #1 (which is paramount):

1. Possess a sincere, unadulterated (despite my flaws), demonstrable interest in, and attraction to me*
2. Allow me to simply be myself*
3. Refuse to laugh at my stupid jokes
4. Laugh at the rare, funny ones
5. Look good in a baseball cap
6. Have no glaring physical defects (missing or superfluous appendages, dentures, Michael Jackson’s non-nose, a pigeon-toed gait, etc)
7. Comprehend and effortlessly practice a mastery of the art of conversation
8. Make me think/question my beliefs and values*
9. Make me laugh—at more than myself, too
10. Be gifted with an exceedingly cute/pretty face with spirited, unapologetic eyes and a mischievous, revealing smile
11. (CHEESE ALERT) Look equally good all dolled up for a black tie affair as when coming fresh out of a shower, wearing a T-shirt and jeans or when just opening her heavy eyes first thing in the morning
12. Basically be a natural beauty who doesn’t need to be all plucked and painted to look amazing
13. Work, within her limitations, on a tight, physically fit body
14. Practice good hygiene
15. Be predominantly heterosexual (primarily attracted to men with a limited, acceptable history of experimentation with close girlfriends and openness to girl-girl-guy threesomes)
16. Display a winsome personal sense of non-radical style (no army boots, cowgirl/Texan paraphernalia, tiaras, white stuffed swan dresses, anything worn by Sarah Jessica Parker on “Sex in the City” or by Cindi Lauper in the mid 80’s)
17. Express no predilection for country line or square dancing
18. Express emotional availability with strong communication capacity*
19. Be permitted no more piercing than ears and bellybutton
20. Be permitted no color contact lenses, prosthetic devices or garishly colored hair
21. Be permitted no tattoos visible while wearing standard work attire
22. Be permitted no tattoos depicting cartoon characters, religious symbols, persons living or dead, names of previous boyfriends or dictators, any bellicose language or political statements, or any words other than “love” for that matter, or really, anything other than floral patterns--preferably in all black ink, or most preferably…
23. Have no tattoos
24. Not be entrenched in any blood feud with immediate family members
25. Have the same name as any of roughly 65 female characters from Springsteen songs including, but not limited to: Wendy, Crazy Janey, Sandy, Sherry, Mary, Puerto Rican Jane, Maria, etc. Or not
26. Demonstrate ability to throw a football with at least partial spiral
27. Demonstrate ability to catch and throw a baseball or softball using a proper glove
28. Demonstrate ability to swing and solidly hit a high arc, slow-pitched softball
29. Demonstrate ability to shoot 30% from a standard basketball free-throw line
30. Make evident, at minimum, a rudimentary life-long interest in at least one local major sports team
31. Have read more books than me
32. Maintain a healthy interest in current events through a daily perusal of at least one local paper or news website
33. Appreciate and successfully practice the teamwork and sweat required for satisfying sexual intercourse
34. Quickly and enthusiastically acquiesce to aforementioned sexual intercourse on a regular basis
35. With me, by the way*
36. Expect and yearn to one day give birth (to my kid) and raise a small family
37. Not consider organized religion to be a part of her life
38. Not be a bible-literalist
39. Currently not be dependent or have ever experienced any dependency on drugs or alcohol
40. Like to get high from time to time
41. Have experienced at least one recreational, drug-induced psychedelic trip
42. Willfully ignore the political offerings of Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Jerry Falwell and Barbra Streisand
43. Have cultivated an appreciation for all music with SOUL
44. Possess no *NSYNQ CDs (or those of this cursed ilk)
45. Possess no Slayer CDs (or those of this cursed ilk)
46. Maintain an incurable disdain for OJ Simpson
47. Possess ample quantities of humility, intelligence, wit, joy, loyalty, dependability, punctuality, generosity, kindness, gratitude, honesty and a limited quantity of skin lesions or foot fungus*
48. Be independent, tough but tender and motivated
49. Have cultivated a strong circle of close friends that don’t judge or exert excessive influence over her
50. Not be the daughter of clergy
51. Not be a vegetarian
52. Not be diagnosed with any severe or moderate physiological or psychological disorders including (but not limited to) the following: cancer, gangrene, HIV/AIDS, sickle-cell anemia, blindness, deafness, African Sleeping Sickness, anthrax, smallpox, lupus, multiple sclerosis, muscular dystrophy, spinal meningitis, Turret’s Syndrome, bubonic plague, any plague, autism, agoraphobia, acrophobia, any functionally-impairing phobia, multiple personality disorder, psychosis, borderline personality disorder, chronic depression, bipolar personality disorder, schizophrenia, bulimia, anorexia, Lou Gherig’s Disease, Parkinson’s Disease, Huntington’s Disease, Hodgkin’s Disease, Tay-Sach’s Disease, Alzheimer’s Disease, dementia, gout, cerebral palsy, Bells palsy, post-traumatic stress disorder, herpes, gonorrhea, syphilis, halitosis, genital warts, and the clap
53. Be single, never divorced and without children
54. Never have appeared on a daytime talk show unless as an expert or to plug something
55. Occasionally wear a two-piece bathing suit in public
56. Liberally exercise the use of sarcasm and/or fully appreciate its employment by others
57. Never misuse the word “irony”
58. Never quote Alanis Morrisette
59. Never ask me if she’s fat
60. Currently own or soon wish to own a pet dog
61. Harbor no prejudice against gender, race, sexual orientation or non-extremist creed
62. Not wear pantyhose with open-toed shoes
63. Not insist we ever go out dancing
64. Be gainfully employed in a job for which she hopefully has some passion and which provides some satisfaction beyond a paycheck
65. Fully appreciate and competently participate in mirthful conversations that consist of little more than back-and-forth readings from memory of lines from “The Simpsons”
66. Enjoy tailgating and watching football games on Sunday (or Monday night), hockey games, taking long walks and hiking, biking, museums, travelling, reading, beers and BBQ with friends, live music, beaches, and sexual experimentation
67. Participate with alacrity in a frequent ritual of reciprocal full-body massages
68. Own and regularly wear numerous undergarments such as those sold by Victoria’s Secret
69. Occasionally eat dessert, junk food and fast food
70. Never have belonged to or considered joining a cult or militant group
71. Not have any family members affiliated with any cult, militant group, fundamentalist sect, coven or practitioners of Wicca
72. Be free of excessive facial hair
73. Inspire my blind devotion, glowing praise and occasionally reduce me to a stammering, stuttering moron in her presence
74. Provoke strangers and acquaintances to comment of us, “What the fuck is she doing with him?”
75. Make all of the misery in my life evaporate into a dizzying swirl of exquisite happiness
76. Adequately convince me that a creature who possesses all 75 of these characteristics certainly does not exist anywhere outside my twisted imagination, but hey, she’s all right*

*Absolutely essential