And Another Thing, Vonnegut...

Kurt Vonnegut, from whom I stole this blog's epitaph, died yesterday at 84 years old. So it goes.

It was Kurt Vonnegut, tempered with George Carlin, who helped me forge my personal humanist philosophy of cynical idealism: Basically, I expect the worst in people, but secretly hope for the best. He's the primary reason I'm a writer today and also the reason I will never be a good one.

His words say far more than mine ever could.

Listen:

• We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful what we pretend to be.
• Anyone who cannot understand how useful a religion based on lies can be will not understand this book either.
• I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different.
• Life happens too fast for you ever to think about it. If you could just persuade people of this, but they insist on amassing information.
• Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter could be said to remedy anything.
• The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.
• I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
• Say what you will about the sweet miracle of unquestioning faith, I consider a capacity for it terrifying and absolutely vile!
• Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.
• Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before... He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way.
• There is a tragic flaw in our precious Constitution, and I don't know what can be done to fix it. This is it: Only nut cases want to be president.
• Here is a lesson in creative writing. First rule: Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you've been to college.
• A purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved.
• History is merely a list of surprises. It can only prepare us to be surprised yet again.
• If God were alive today, he would have to be an atheist, because the excrement has hit the air-conditioning big time, big time.
• All time is all time. It does not change. It does not lend itself to warnings or explanations. It simply is. Take it moment by moment, and you will find that we are all, as I've said before, bugs in amber.
• It is a very mixed blessing to be brought back from the dead.
• The big trouble with dumb bastards is that they are too dumb to believe there is such a thing as being smart.
• There are plenty of good reasons for fighting," I said, "but no good reason ever to hate without reservation, to imagine that God Almighty Himself hates with you, too. Where's evil? It's that large part of every man that wants to hate without limit, that wants to hate with God on its side.
• If you really want to hurt your parents, and you don’t have nerve enough to be a homosexual, the least you can do is go into the arts.
• All male writers, incidentally, no matter how broke or otherwise objectionable, have pretty wives. Somebody should look into this.
• Peculiar travel suggestions are dancing lessons from God.
• If there is a God, he sure hates people. That’s all I can say.
• We are healthy only to the extent that our ideas are humane.
• You realize, of course, that everything I say is horseshit.
• And if I should ever die, God forbid, I hope you will say, "Kurt is up in heaven now." That's my favorite joke.
• Poo-tee-weet?
• Goodbye, cruel world! Auf wiedersehen?