The Olympic Shroud of Turin

Some stray thoughts on the Olympics as they pass quickly, just within my peripheral vision:

• Best named Olympian: Austrian downhill gold-medalist Michaela Dorfmeister. Seriously. Dorfmeister. Kinda like Fred "The Dorf" Dorman from that scene in Fletch. Or something from a Rob Schneider sketch. Honorable mention: Finland's ski-jumper Matti Hautamaeki.
• Worst named Olympian: Apolo Anton Ohno. Never liked his name, certainly despise his wispy landing-strip facial fuzz and his general attitude. Can't put my finger on it, but if you look closely enough at the guy there surely is something worth despising.
• Curling: Not a sport
• Ice Dancing: Gay
• Two-Man Luge: Gay
• Men's Figure Skating: Are you kidding?
• Lindsey Jacobellis: Who told all these kids the Olympics were all about goofy fun and style? What's wrong with these X-Games rejects? Bode Miller (but perhaps not his sponsor Nike) was all shrugs and no-big-deals after his no-show in Turin. They're just there "to have a good time" and work on inscrutable "personal goals" when everyone else seems to, you know, go for the gold and shit. Jacobellis got carried away down the home stretch of a sure gold medal when she caught some rad air and pulled a backside method, caught a gnarly edge and tumbled off the course for a silver. (Don't even get me started on the stupid names for snowboarding moves or the athletes' privileged, free-spirited shredder lifestyles.) "It's just a race," she said Saturday. "I know it's the Olympics and everyone's trying to get a reaction out of me. I made a mistake. It happens. I was very happy to still come out with a medal after making such a goof." No, honey. It's not just a race. It's an Olympic gold-medal race. Come to win, beat the commies, the nazis and the French and wave that flag. Stupid X-Gamers.
• Bryant Gumbel caught some heat for this editorial bit at the end of a recent "Real Sports" on HBO (emphasis added):

"And finally tonight, the Winter Games. Count me among those that don't like 'em and won't watch 'em. In fact, I figure when Thomas Paine said, "These are the times that try men's souls," he must have been talking about the start of another Winter Olympics.

Because they are so trying, maybe over the next three weeks we should all try too. Like try not to be incredulous when someone tries to link these games to those of the ancient Greeks who never heard of skating or skiing.

So try not to laugh when someone says these are the world's greatest athletes, despite a paucity of blacks that makes the Winter Games look like a GOP convention.

Try not to point out that something's not really a sport if a pseudo-athlete waits in what's called a 'kiss and cry area' while some panel of subjective judges decides who won.

And try to blot out all logic when announcers and sports writers pretend to care about the luge, the skeleton, the biathlon, and all those other events they don't understand and totally ignore for all but three weeks every four years.

Face it, these Olympics are little more than a marketing plan to fill space and sell time during the dreary days of February. So, if only to hasten the arrival of the day they're done, and we can move on to March Madness, for God's sake, let the Games begin."

Critics complain that a white man making similar comments about black athletes would be quickly and loudly fired. Or that you could just as illogically complain about the lack of white people on a basketball court or winning track & field medals in the Summer Olympics.

But all this does is exemplify the touchiness of our culture when anyone mentions race. Though Gumbel is an insufferable, priggish ass who allows his fame to gain him entry to exclusive golf clubs around the world, he is still (all evidence to the contrary) a black man. And he has a right to prefer watching people of his ethnicity (or gender or prissy speaking style) participate in sports.

No white hurdler has been exluded from participating in the Olympics because of his race. Neither has any black ski jumper. But the latter example belies the root causes of economic and social disparity that so often accompany race in this country. Black folks in the city just don't have the time, money or inclination to spend their lives perfecting their slalom skiing cred.

This is not by design. It's just how things are. And Gumbel's comments weren't necessarily intended as a social critique. He was expressing his preference. Much like the judges scoring Johnny Weir's flamboyant swan outfit or the backside method air of privileged shredder snowboard chicks.

As for me, I prefer a track, a gun and a stopwatch.