The "Ho"-ly Trinity

By TPerl:

The 3 Whores of the Apocalyse ride into town.

If you look closely, you can actually see Nicole Ritchie sitting right there between Lindsay and Britney.

After the paparazzi photographer took this photo, his brain shrunk so much that his head simply imploded.

The GPS Navigation system in the car would only give them directions to an abortion clinic.

The rental car company refused to take back the car until it was tested for STDs.

The only reason Britney looks shorter than Paris is because she's mounted the gear shift.

If Britney had remembered to wax her upper lip beforehand, there would have actually been 6 exposed hairless pairs of lips in the car instead of just 5.


If anybody's out there, feel free to add some more - they're easy (adding captions, I mean!)

In the Grasp and Out of Touch

By TPerl:

From today's NY Post:
"Three weeks ago against the Texans, Mathias Kiwanuka was called for the first roughing the passer penalty of his career. At the time, the rookie defensive end said he'd have to adjust to the way quarterbacks are treated in the NFL. Yesterday, that memory came back to haunt him and sink the Giants."

Don't get me wrong - this is not why the Giants lost yesterday. And secondly, the Giants are officially done this season, and I don't pretend to believe otherwise.

But I've seen enough "roughing the passer" calls this year to wonder if the whole "protect the quarterback" thing has gotten out of hand again. Remember "in the grasp", people! Back then, you could get a sack while lying flat on your back as long as you could grab the QBs ankle for a second.

Nowadays, you get flagged for anything that doesn't look like the kind of takedown move you would use on your 5-year-old nephew in the backyard.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but these aren't fucking punters, here. The prototypical QB in the NFL today is about 6'5" 250 lbs, right? I think these guys can take a hit. These guys have been taking hits every game of their football lives before reaching the pros. How many options do you think they ran in college - they're essentially another running back out there. Until they're drafted, that is. Then they become this untouchable, fragile, and, most importantly, EXPENSIVE commodity that must be treated with kid gloves on the field - as long as those kid gloves don't actually follow through on their tackles.

Let's do some comparisons, shall we? According to NFL.com:
Shaun Alexander: 5'11", 225lbs
Ladanian Tomlinson: 5'10", 221lbs
Tiki Barber: 5'10", 205lbs

versus

Payton Manning: 6'5", 230lbs
Tom Brady: 6'4, 225lbs
and yesterday's hero, Vince Young: 6'4", 228 lbs

Think about the amount of abuse Tiki Barber gets on each carry - that's about 20-25 times a game that he is slammed to the ground by multiple tacklers. And how often does a QB get sacked/knocked down/hit per game? Maybe 10 times on average, and usually just by one guy's glancing blow.

The fact that a defensive player had to completely alter what his natural instincts and years of coaching had taught him to do, because he might be legally tackling (in all OTHER senses of the term) the guy WITH THE FUCKING BALL IN HIS HAND, who just also happens to be the guy who throws the ball from time to time, is a fucking disgrace.

The Kiwanuka play should be a wake up call to the league.

Otherwise, why don't we just let all the QBs wear flags on their belts?

Resting Bones

Down here in Jeb Bush country again, walled inside a gated community adjacent to gated communities inside gated comunities. And due to limited computer power, I sadly won't be contributing to my blog much over the next two weeks.

You know what that means, Perl. Better pick up the slack to slake the thirst of our four regular readers for that Rolling Bones tonic.

"Goin' home/ goin' home/ By the riverside I will rest my bones/ Listen to the river sing sweet songs to rock my soul" -- R. Hunter

Suck On This, Juice

On Nov. 27, Fox will air the first of a two-part interview titled "O.J. Simpson: If I Did It, Here's How It Happened.''

No, you are not reading The Onion. No, I'm not making a joke.

O.J. Simpson, a man who murdered his wife and her friend, will be on TV explaining how he would have killed his wife and her friend if he hadn't killed his wife and her friend.

Simpson, you may recall, was acquitted of the 1994 murder of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman. In 1997, he was found liable in a civil lawsuit brought by the Goldman family for the wrongful death of their son. The Goldmans have yet to receive more than a pittance of the $33.5 million decision Simpson owes them.

In this country, fair-minded, sincere Americans can disagree about how our government should treat abortion. We can disagree about the best way to fight terrorism or cope with the war in Iraq.

But after more than 10 years since the verdict, can't we agree that O.J. Simpson is a murderer?

A Gallup/CNN/USA Today poll from 1995 showed 33 percent of Americans agreed with the not-guilty verdict, including some polls that showed up to 78 percent of black Americans supported his acquittal. Ten years later, an NBC News poll found 12 percent of whites and 70 percent of blacks still think Simpson is innocent.

I won't get into the galaxies of evidence against Simpson here. People can only see the world through their own eyes, drawing from their experiences to help them reach conclusions. When I see a proven wife batterer drip his own blood and the blood of two separate victims all over the crime scene, his car and his home, that's all I need to know.

So I'm looking forward to the interview and Simpson's charming new book, ""If I Did It,'' to be released Thursday. Fox knows people will watch. And they should, if only as a lesson in American injustice and the gall of deep self-delusion. The fact that Simpson would even entertain a book with that title and premise should convince any sensible person of his guilty conscience. But there is one man who knows the absolute truth, and I direct this to him.

Because you, Orenthal James Simpson, didn't just hypothetically kill two people. You butchered them with an awfully big knife. And killing with a knife isn't like pulling a trigger as you drive by, is it? No, I figure you needed to get in pretty darn close and deal with some awfully violent squirming and defensive thrashing while you hacked away and sliced as the life you clutched spurted blood and agonizingly jerked from frantic panting to gasping anguish to lifeless stillness.

And that's just the first victim. The other one was stronger, yet ultimately just as helpless. After all, even in your advanced age and with arthritis, you were a Heisman Trophy-winning, hall-of-fame professional football player with surging adrenaline pumping slash after slash in a supercharged rage.

Despite Fox's sick spectacle, you likely have no book-ready recollection of that evening. At least no memory that your conscious mind will permit you to recognize. But don't tell me that the horror doesn't claw at you in the stark darkness of your sleep. Those nights when maybe the coke isn't plentiful or powerful enough to bury your worst instincts and pain. Because memories that intense never really fade. They just become harder to access and retrieve. Kinda like your once-exalted place in society, eh?

So peddle your lies and fantasies. Play your public golf courses and complain about the tee times while searching for "the real killer.'' Use your poor, motherless kids as sympathy crutches and ready-made excuses to exploit anything, anyone, anytime.

Walk through life like the pathetic ghost you are. Insignificant and starved for attention. Almost too sad to be truly evil. And try to keep pace ahead of those hellhounds on your trail.

Spoonfed Entertainment - Big Bang

By TPerl (courtesy of our friend Spoony):

SEXY, FUNNY, VIOLENT 1st VIDEO FROM THE BADDEST NEW MFing EMCEE OUT THERE! SPOONFED ENTERTAINMENT...EAT IT!!!!!!!

Patriots Sign Testaverde

I know it was traumatic for Bill Belichick to lose to his protege Eric Mangini on Sunday. But yesterday's signing was either intended to make all of New England cry or The Genius has lost his marbles. I mean, 43-year-old Vinny Testaverde? If Brady goes down, the season is over. He might as well have Troy Brown play quarterback. Or signed Andy Dick.

T V Perl

By TPerl

I figured it was my turn to chime in on TV, especially since I spend so much time watching it.

Between Playhouse Disney (Handy Manny is our current favorite show, which is to say my 3-year-old loves it) and all of our animated films on DVD (Cars is already on its 15th viewing right about now), here's what I've been watching these days (not including sports):

Monday:
Heroes - First of all, I am huge fan of the X-Men movies, and it probably explains why I like this show so much. Although I never really got into "Lost", I think it's unfair to make any comparisons to that show at this point. Clearly there's a plan for this story (at least for this season), and the creator has made a point of stating that in each episode he does NOT want people to be waiting for something to happen - and I'd have to say that he's been true to his word so far.
Studio 60 - Funny in a West Wing kinda way, but did you expect anything else? I don't understand the criticisms about how unfunny the "show within the show" is - if those skits were really that good, they would've been on the real deal: SNL (and we all know how unfunny most of that shit is). And the fact that I don't see "Chandler" every time Matthew Perry is on screen is a credit to either the writing, his acting, or both.

Tuesday:
Friday Night Lights - Two words, kids: Minka Kelly. Also, I agree with Bones about the story and the characters feeling very real - and this coming from a guy whose high school didn't even have a football team (Go Bronx Science!).

Law & Order: SVU - Always solid, even in reruns. Mariska Hargitay and Chris Meloni are a great duo. Mmmmmmmm, Mariska...(drool)

Wednesday:
Professional Poker Tour (Travel Channel) - Not to be confused with the WPT. I can't seem to find any other "go-to" show on Wednesday night right now, but at least I always have the PPT. And just like the name suggests, no amateurs in this show except for the occasional exemption for celebrities. The poker is great (obviously) and the stats that flash on the screen are always relevant and add to the game.

Thursday:
My Name is Earl & The Office - A great block of TV for me. I think Earl has not been as funny this season, but still enjoyable. But without Jamie Pressley, this show would be nothing - she is consistently the best part of the show, and deserves all the praise she is receiving. The Office is still fantastic - and I don't even mind the Jim/Pam romance thing, and it seems like they're going to do the right thing and not make them get together.

I finally caught a couple of episodes of 30 Rock, and I'm now a fan.

When Scrubs finally returns on Nov. 30, my TV Thursday will be complete.

And I haven't watched ER in like 5 years. Does anyone?

Friday:
Law & Order - Horrible move putting this on Fridays, but hey where am I going anyway? Gotta love the "ripped from the headlines" storylines. Still, I'm always waiting for those great Lenny Briscoe one-liners that are only available on TNT nowadays...

Other shows that may stop my remote as I flip around (some are good, and some are just filling airtime it seems):

High Stakes Poker (Game Show Network, Tuesday & Friday?) - This is more than just a televised poker game, and I recommend this show to anyone who likes watching any of the other poker shows out there, including Celebrity Poker Showdown. This is a table of eight of the best players in the world playing a high-stakes CASH game, with some of the bigger pots reaching well over 100 grand (that's 100 grand of THEIR money, not a stack of tournament chips). There's no tournament, no waiting for the "final table", and no bullshit. All the great characters of the game are usually playing - Mike "The Mouth" Matisow, Sammy Farha, Phil "The Unibomber" Laak, Daniel Negranu, etc. These guys are playing to win, and they don't hold back on the swearing, trash-talking, and funny banter. Add in commentary by AJ Benza and Gabe Kapler, and how can you not be "all-in" on this one (Can I be any cornier)?

World Poker Tour (Travel Channel, Sat night)- If my wife doesn't let me play on Saturday night, at least I can pretend. And yes, I realize this is the third poker show I've mentioned so far.

The Simpsons - I usually miss it cause we're putting the kids to bed, but I still look forward to watching it on DVR.

Deal or No Deal - I still can't figure out why I can't stay away from this one. Maybe because it seems like it's ON ALL THE FUCKING TIME!

1 vs. 100 - Why don't they just call it "Mob or No Mob", since it's trying so much to be like that other gameshow. The only interesting part of this show was that Ken Jennings was part of the first Mob - and I assume the show creators thought he'd be their anchor in case anyone got close to the million dollars, but he got knocked out on like the third show. This is another one where I wish I could somehow turn the TV off, but something pulls me back. Please help!

Biggest Loser - Fat, sweaty, people in tight, revealing clothing - What's not to like? But the female trainer this year is MUCH hotter than the last one, mostly because she doesn't look as much like a man with breasts. I think I like this show because of its inspirational stories, and how these people don't just lose weight but really turn their whole lives around. Either that, or the female trainer.

Las Vegas - The antithesis to the fat and sweaty people. They should just call this show "Breasts, Breasts, and More Breasts. And a casino." Although it's rare that I'll watch a full episode of this show, it's obvious that the plot is always secondary to all the eye candy on this show.


Interestingly enough, there's a fellow on pajiba.com called "The TV Whore" who's writing a similar series of posts this week. I thought I watched a lot of TV until I read what this guy watches just for Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. So I guess I'm not a full-blown TV whore - perhaps just a TV slut?

How does "TV Skank" sound?

Red State Rules

Screw the Democrats. The wave washing over the country this week is not donkey blue but scarlet red. Jump on the bandwagon America. The team that invented college football is 9-0 and ready to beat the world. (Though probably not Ohio State or Michigan.)

I Wanna Dip My Balls In It!!!

By TPerl



In case you missed it, Season 1 of MTV's The State is now available on itunes. This was one of the funniest sketch comedies ever, and luckily for me it was on MTV during my prime stoner years.

Now I can attempt to relive those days on my ipod - Ah, I can almost smell the bongwater now.

If you don't feel like shelling out the $1.95 per episdoe, YouTube has plenty of low-video-quality sketches that you can view for free, like the one above. The key part of this clip is the credits at the end, where they do a spot-on impression of the outtakes shown during the credits of Cannonball Run.

This is clearly one of the funniest bits I've ever seen - not so much because of the impressions of the actors (although the Dom DeLuise is good), but just for having the balls to do something that only a small minority will ever recognize and appreciate.

"These bleeds?"

Freedom

OK. I admit that voting is important. I admit that even if the vote you cast won't ever turn an election in any direction, it's the best way to participate in the system and send a message. And the message to send this year is that we will not stand by while our government reduces The Constitution into a soggy piece of toilet paper. We must refuse to be scared. We must refuse to accept incompetence and arrogance. We must vote.

I'll join you guys next time.

Swimming Under the Bottom Line

The undefeated Rutgers football team might be making national noise this week against #3 ranked Louisville. But six sports won't even exist next year thanks to budget cuts at the state university. That includes the men's swim and diving teams, who share one of the most impressive facilities in the region.

Freedom's Just Another Word For The Right to Be a Dumbass

I'm not one easily roused to righteous indignation, but one night last week I'd never felt as strong an urge to reach into my television and strangle a 16-year-old kid and his mother.

The kid in question, Walter Petryk, had been booted from his Brooklyn high school after arriving on Halloween dressed as Adolph Hitler. He had even grown an adorable little black mustache to complete his swastika-adorned outfit.

The New York Post reported that the principal removed Petryk from his second-period English class at Leon M. Goldstein High School when he refused to take off the outfit, citing his constitutional rights to free speech.

His mother — married to a Jewish man who reportedly had relatives die in the Holocaust — then delivered him the outfit the following day so he could pose, arm-raised, for photos with local media. I caught up with the story while watching Bill O'Reilly's show Thursday night.

O'Reilly, taking pains not to be perceived as bullying a kid, calmly asked Petryk why he chose to wear that particular costume.

"Why not?" Petryk, an honors student, answered.

O'Reilly then asked if he understood how his portrayal of a man responsible for World War II and the systematic extermination of six million Jews might offend some people — perhaps some people at a school named after a Jewish educator. Perhaps some of the people in Brooklyn who have tattoos on their wrists to remind them of their time in camps with family members who were gassed to death and burned in an oven by Hitler.

Petrtyk admitted that he figured some people would be offended, but they should "lighten up," because he was just making a joke. He wasn't really espousing Nazism or advocating the death of Jewish people.

His mother said she had initially tried to dissuade him from playing Hitler, but relented to his "artistic freedom," suggesting he was following in the comedic tradition of Mel Brooks' "Springtime for Hitler." It was Halloween after all, she said.

This isn't new territory. England's Prince Harry bombed with a similar sartorial joke at a party a few years ago, and Cartman, the cartoon Id on "South Park," succeeded in pushing these same buttons with his own school-worn Hitler outfit. Cartman's joke — or actually, the show's writers' joke — worked because he's a fictional character on a satiric TV show. Mel Brooks delivered his joke to a paying audience in the context of a play-within-a-play, intending to provoke and offend by portraying Hitler as a flamboyant goofball to deflate the dictator into the butt of a joke.

Prince Harry and Petryk had no such well-conceived motivation. A Halloween costume is not a comedy skit with context and an easily shared point-of-view. People see something and react. Pertyk said he did it only because he could. It was his right as an American to dress and speak as he pleases.

True. But we Americans must also endure the consequences of our freedom. And when someone — even a kid who acts dimmer than his GPA might suggest — deliberately and publicly offends people, he deserves derision. Loud and long.

On Halloween, Petryk rode the subway to school dressed as Charlie Chaplin, donning a bowler hat and top coat to conceal his real costume. He knew he would upset people and likely provoke confrontation.

There are many things our freedoms allow us to do. It is Petryk's First Amendment right to mock blind people behind their backs or lead a Ku Klux Klan rally in Harlem.

Petryk wasn't just randomly exercising his freedom of speech. He was intentionally acting in a way he knew would upset other people. And it is my First Amendment right to call him and his excuse-making, wrong-lesson-teaching mother exactly what they are: jerks.

Try that one on for Halloween.

Princess Ella Organa

My niece appealing to Obi Wan Kenobi for help.

Fall/Winter TV Guide

Friday Night Lights


Watching TV these days can be a real chore. There aren't many great shows, but even if you stick to the very best and dutifully record them on your DVR, there just aren't enough hours in the day to watch them all. And I'm a guy whose girlfriend lives two states away and who hardly lifts a finger other than the one that presses buttons on the remote control.

So as a service to the refined TV-viewing sloths out there, here are the essentials as I see them.

• "Friday Night Lights" -- Better catch this one before it's gone. The movie, based on an exhaustively researched book by Buzz Bissinger, gave us a season in the life of a Texas high school town that, like every other town in Texas, worships football above all else. The TV show, using a fictional Texas setting, allows an even more detailed look into the lives of each character. Every scene rings true. It's heartbreaking, honest and inspiring. There are characters to puzzle over, to hate and to root for. It's all that's great and horrible about sports in America. And it's all that television should aspire to be. Which is why it will likely get canceled before the season ends. Maybe you should wait for the DVD release.
• "House" -- Back after the baseball playoff hiatus, no other show depicts as likeable an anti-hero. Gregory House is the perfect lout, the disgruntled, impossible-to-hate hero. He plays God with an attitude and hidden softness, and in doing so becomes far more worthy of worship than the dude that supposedly rules over all humanity without ever bothering to even send a postcard.
• "30 Rock" -- Tina Fey's take on the behind-the-scenes of an SNL-like live comedy show allows her to vent all her years of frustration against television executives and everything else that gets under her skin. But unlike Aaron Sorkin's preachy and smug "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip," Fey doesn't get bogged down in anything so lofty as The Future of Television or The American Culture War. It's a comedy show about a comedy show, more in line with Sorkin's brilliant "Sports Night" but with it's own edge and lunacy. In last week's episode Alec Baldwin's meddling network exec channels Hannibal Lector to intimidate a clueless NBC page, whom he claims is destined to either one day run the network or "we will all die by his hand." No other sitcom has been worth watching since "Seinfeld."
• Of course, there are the Comedy Central staples, "The Daily Show," The Colbert Report," and "South Park." They remain as biting and hilarious as ever. Last week's "South Park" was about Satan holding a "My Super Sweet 16"-style Halloween bash at the W Hotel in Los Angeles. The only thing funnier is an episode of "My Super Sweet 16" on MTV, which I catch from time to time as a way of feeling good about my own privileged position in life and thanking my parents I'm somehow not a raging, spoiled brat.
• I started watching "Heroes" on NBC, one of the more popular break-out hits among the kiddies this year. It's well-conceived, but somewhat obvious in it's plotting. I watch it in fast-forward, more curious about how and when the writing will derail like on "Lost."
• I was somehow able to convert a football-ignorant Rolling Bones blog contributor to the sublime pleasures of "NFL Films Presents." Almost impossible to find without an extra smart DVR, this ESPN regular breaks down the league into its most curious stories with the best behind-the-scenes footage and in-game audio of any sport. So far there have been pieces on the municipal ownership of The Green Bay Packers, the 24-year career of Morton Andersen, ordinary people who share names with NFL legends, and the peculiar popularity of Phil Collins "In The Air Tonight" during pre-game warmups. All perfectly edited and narrated by Steve Sabol.
• The Cartoon Network's "Robot Chicken" is consistently surprising and hilarious in sending up pop culture with stop-motion animation of action figures doing naughty and sick things.
• And "The Office" on NBC might not have me rolling off the couch so far this season, but they have succeeded in keeping the romantic plot to the sidelines while offering cringe-inducing moments like Micheal (Steve Carrell) proving his tolerance by kissing a homosexual employee.

There's plenty more out there, but those are the essentials. And we've all got to save some time for football games. And human contact.