Top Five Least Funny Americans of 2005

I love lists. In December I love year-end lists. The more, the merrier and ho, ho, ho. As you may recall, 2005 wasn't the funniest year on record. And to mark the occasion, I will briefly recap with a list of 2005's Top Five Least Funny Americans:

5. Michael Brown - Did a heckuva job managing Katrina, but really couldn't have been less funny about it. Never took the lead from crackups like Cheney (telling a senator to go fuck himself on the senate floor might never be topped in that building) or his boss Georgie (too numerous to mention). C'mon, Brownie. All those emails where people are pleading for assistance inside a SuperDome piled high with human waste? Couldn't he have made at least one doody joke? Your name is Brown, for fuck sake.

4. David Spade/Rob Schneider - These two must be part of the same scam. Certainly nobody pays to see them or laughs at anything they do or say. Spade seems to have filled a whiny slacker comedy niche which might have been an alternate career for the fey Ethan Hawke character in "Reality Bites." And Schneider would be more fun to watch if somebody would shave his head, lube him up and shove him inside that Git 'R Done Guy's fat ass.

3. Kevin Federline - Here's another guy who has yet to live up to his potential hilarity. His UPN reality show with his cheez doodle machine, Britney, only underscored the banality of celebrity. Give me Jessica Simpson-like brain meltdowns or druggy Bobby Brown constipation talk with Whitney. I realize every pairing can't match the potency for humor as Brigitte and Flavor Flav, but I think we can safely coin a term for the barrier on which you are pathetic enough to be hilarious but boring enough to be easily ignored: the federline.

2. The Chicago Cubs - In a year after the Boston Red Sox won their first World Series in 86 years, the Cubs watched their cross-town rivals win their first World Series in 88 years and couldn't even muster as much as a snit fit about their North American sports league leading 97-year drought. You'd think at least someone affiliated with the team -- or maybe just Jim Belushi -- might have vomited in public or something.

1. Terri Schiavo - One of the most photographed, televised and talked about people of 2005, Schiavo inspired an unprecidented special session of Congress and sparked a national debate about the end of life. Her reaction to all of this? Nothing but slack-jawed drooling and random eye movements. Jesus Christ, Terri. Sit there like a potato, why don'tcha. You think you could have risen to the occasion just a little?