By TPerl
There's an old Steven Wright bit that goes something like:
A guy pulls up to a convenience store around 2 in the morning and sees a guy outside locking it up.
The first guy says "Hey. The sign says 'Open 24 Hours'."
The second guy says "Yeah. But not in a row."
The signs all around West Orange (including the one above) cleary state that the "Holiday Light Spectular" at the Turtle Back Zoo runs from "November 23 to December 31st" from 5PM to 9PM.
Well, imagine our surprise when my wife and 3 kids pull up to the Zoo on Christmas Eve at about 5:15 and the whole place is dark. Guess what! They're closed on Christmas Eve! How were we supposed to know that, you ask? Fuck if I know! There wasn't even a sign on the locked front gate or the empty ticket window stating that they were closed.
After a few minutes of us sitting there in our minivan feeling totally confused, a cop car actually pulls up and some Zoo guy gets out and starts walking into the Zoo office. When my wife asks him what's going on, his response was "Well, we wanted our staff to be able to spend a couple of days with their families, too." (it turns out they're closed on Christmas Day as well). And he said it with such a tone as though we were such selfish pricks for wanting to deny these people some time off.
So it's OK for them to put up misleading advertisements all over town, but we're the assholes for calling them out on it.
Cause ya know, giving a thrill to three small children who still believe in Santa is nothing compared to making sure the guy who cleans up horseshit at the Zoo gets some quality time with his family. Just replace "some quality time" with "totally fucking wasted from huffing that can of turpentine he stole from the storage shed". And replace "with his family" with "watching 16 straight hours of porn in his cousin's basement".
5 comments:
Perl...there are back up things to do:
1. The Christmas House In Livingston
2. Turn on The YULE Log in regular format or in Hi-Def !
3. Midnight Mass
4. Carolling in Downtown West Orange
5. A Viewing Of "A Christmas Story"
6. Make A Batch Of Egg Nog and spike it to knock the kids out so you can enjoy your night on the couch.
Thanks Birdman
1. Yes, your brother mentioned that - Do you know the exact address?
2. I was happy that Channel 11 finally brought that back!
3. Jew + Midnight Mass = uncomfortable and sleepy (trust me, I've been through it)
4. There's a downtown???
5. I have to admit I've never seen the whole thing beginning to end
6. Giving the kids a dose of Benadryl works just as well.
Welcome back, TPerl!
You'd think the zoo could find a Jewish or Muslim or Atheist or Wiccan employee or something. Yeesh. And how do you suppose they fed the animals over Christmas? Let them starve?
Perhaps the animals were able to call for some Chinese food?
Sorry kids, park's closed. The Moose out front should have told ya.
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