Rudy!

It may have taken about a year too long, but Rudy Giuliani has finally been punted off the national stage. Back to 9/11 profiteering for you, Rudy!

In retrospect, it seems hardly plausible he made it this far (not all that far, considering he never finished higher than third in any primary).

I mean, here's a guy who felt himself so indespensible to New York City, he was prepared to jetison democracy and install himself as some kind of emergency mayoral viceroy in the aftermath of 9/11. This barely worked for Musharraf in Pakistan.

Rudy, sweet, dear Rudy was also the dude who gave the world Bernie Kerik, that mobbed-up puke who turned a downtown apartment for 9/11 workers into his festering lovenest with O.J.'s book enabler, Judith Regan. But he'd certainly make a good head of Homeland Security, right?

Even the New York firefighters attacked poor little Rudy for his supposed shining moment during 9/11. If he didn't put his emergency command center inside the buildings that had already been attacked in 1993, if he had done a damn thing to coordinate the police and fire department radios as had been demanded back then...then who knows. But it's certain lives would have been saved.

Here's a guy who volunteered to serve on the 9/11 Commission charged with investigating the attacks and providing recommendations on how to prevent further attacks. Did he ever attend a meeting? Nah. There were millions to make on the lecture circuit simply talking about 9/11. No time to, you know, actually do something positive about it.

When I lived in New York, I was a Guiliani fan. It didn't bother me that he was a hot-headed bully. Sometimes that's the attitude you need to run a sprawling city. But he always took everything too far. Attacking the Brooklyn Museum for some dung-smeared painting of the Virgin Mary. Attacking the victims of racially-tinged police shootings. Attacking powerless enemies and ferret owners.

Rudy Guiliani is a petty tyrant with a messianic complex. It's fitting the religious kooks of the Republican Party dismissed him. It's sad they likely did so because of his multiple marriages, absentee children and stances on abortion and homosexuality. There are so many legitimate reasons to hate him.

Farewell, Rudy. We hardly knew too little about ye.

Super Bowl of Feces

I haven't spoken much about football recently because it took me until now to recuperate from the queasiness of Championship Weekend. I can hardly imagine a day that would provide me with more searing gas pains that that one.

Which isn't to say the Giants don't deserve their success. Ten straight road wins, including three in the playoffs. No INTs. And somehow Coughlin avoided frostbite on his little beady red racoon face.

(Also, Eli Manning is the most ineffectual, lost, bleffff QB I've seen win big games in a long time. He's like air-flavored ice cream. Of course, he made all the throws he needed to make, backed up by some great catches)

But fuck all if I can stand these two weeks of Patriots-Giants hype. I'm gonna root for the Patriots, but only because I figure they might get some of this excellence out of their systems. And I really hate Giants fans.

Yes, this means many of you shitheels. Being a Yankee fan on top of it only makes it worse. Up here in Connecticut, we're surrounded with Pats-Sox fans that have suddenly developed the same maddening sense of Donnie Baseball-Cocksucking Jeter entitlement and general assholosity. Fuck you all.

I've never woken on Super Bowl Sunday to watch the Jets play. I have no idea what that would feel like. I don't ever expect to.

The House That Ruthlessness Built

By TPerl

Bones doesn't want to talk about football, but evil opportunism is OK. So, let's try baseball and the New York Yankees.

These recent pics of the new Stadium got me a little pumped up, so I thought I'd share:




And I'm sure Citi Field will be nice too - even when the Mets are playing in it.

See, no football talk here. I didn't even mention the NFC Championship game this Sunday. At 6:30. On Fox. On the frozen tundra.

Bum da Dum Dum

Let's not discuss football. Instead, let's marvel at this clash between hypocritcal shamelessness and evil opportunism. See if you can spot which one is which.

All part of this entertaining rundown of interview disasters on FHM.

Tears of a Clown

By TPerl

I'll stop short of saying this was the best part of yesterday's win, but it damn sure was the funniest.

Is it me, or is TO channeling a little Tracy Morgan here?

Loathsome Dove

CBS is all set to air its prequel to "Lonesome Dove." Exciting, I know.

But while you struggle to contain your eager anticipation, nod your righteously indignant approval for The Beast's annual 50 Most Loathsome People in America.

Shame on Zoo

By TPerl

There's an old Steven Wright bit that goes something like:
A guy pulls up to a convenience store around 2 in the morning and sees a guy outside locking it up.
The first guy says "Hey. The sign says 'Open 24 Hours'."
The second guy says "Yeah. But not in a row."

The signs all around West Orange (including the one above) cleary state that the "Holiday Light Spectular" at the Turtle Back Zoo runs from "November 23 to December 31st" from 5PM to 9PM.

Well, imagine our surprise when my wife and 3 kids pull up to the Zoo on Christmas Eve at about 5:15 and the whole place is dark. Guess what! They're closed on Christmas Eve! How were we supposed to know that, you ask? Fuck if I know! There wasn't even a sign on the locked front gate or the empty ticket window stating that they were closed.

After a few minutes of us sitting there in our minivan feeling totally confused, a cop car actually pulls up and some Zoo guy gets out and starts walking into the Zoo office. When my wife asks him what's going on, his response was "Well, we wanted our staff to be able to spend a couple of days with their families, too." (it turns out they're closed on Christmas Day as well). And he said it with such a tone as though we were such selfish pricks for wanting to deny these people some time off.

So it's OK for them to put up misleading advertisements all over town, but we're the assholes for calling them out on it.

Cause ya know, giving a thrill to three small children who still believe in Santa is nothing compared to making sure the guy who cleans up horseshit at the Zoo gets some quality time with his family. Just replace "some quality time" with "totally fucking wasted from huffing that can of turpentine he stole from the storage shed". And replace "with his family" with "watching 16 straight hours of porn in his cousin's basement".