The Dorks of Losertown

I think it was Janeane Garofolo who once asked the immortal question: Has any skateboarder, anywhere, since the beginning of time ever landed a trick?

I ponder this mystery in anticipation of the latest incarnation of the self-important mythologizing of schoolyard bozos on wheels, the Stacy Peralta-penned flick Lords of Dogtown, a film I will not actively see.

"Actively" implies that when it makes its cable rounds -- as with Peralta's watchable self-important mythologizing of schoolyard bozos on wheels, the documentary Dogtown and Z-Boys -- there's almost nothing I won't watch as opposed to actually doing something productive.

Only in Hollywood would the thirst for dollars among wayward youth necessitate a fictionalizing of a perfectly serviceable documentary just so Heath Ledger can intone a California stoner drawl.

Personally, I don't get it. The whole skateboarding thing, I mean. Other than kids who skin their knees and fall on their heads skating down cement stairways during their own uneventful after-school hours -- when not huffing gas, snorting glue and listening to Good Charlotte on their iPods, I imagine -- who else cares about this crap? Of course there are those same kids who never actually grew up, like the excreable Bam Margera, who pretends to torment his family for the pleasure of emotionally retarded MTV viewers on "Viva La Bam" and who apparently banged Jessica Simpson.

But even if these little sk8tr boyz were lovable pillars of virtue, I couldn't help but be underwhelmed by their supposed skills. Both Peralta films immortalize the moment when skateboarding "legends" descended into empty swimming pools and -- inspired by the fabulous gods of eh -- ramped up the edges and (whoa, dude!) broke the bounds of earth for approximately .2345 seconds of flight. The witnesses to this seminal moment in their sport strike a tone of holy moley reverence, as though discussing Neil Armstrong, Lance Armstrong, Louis Armstrong or the guy who invented Arm & Hammer baking soda.

It's because of people like this that they continue to make Vans sneakers and Fred Durst owns a fleet of cars.

Seriously, people. Is there anything less exciting than the tricks performed by skateboarders? It's as though you're watching a documentary about a revolutionary new spelunking technique or the moment that changed needlepoint forever.

Real stoners were too lazy to skateboard anyway.