Horses and Hemorrhoids and Hippies, Oh My

More Home News stuff. No, this isn't mind-blowing. Give me some time, folks. My first week.

Although I like this one best. Even if no one caught the typo on Rutgers.

Space Cadets

My first story in today's Home News Trib talking to folks about the space shuttle launch. One down, hundreds and hundreds to go...

Bones

Apparently, I'm a darkly amusing drama coming to Fox this fall.

Caught Red (Gold) Handed (Faced)

Ohio man Patrick Tribbett discovers that huffing spray paint is a difficult habit to hide.

WWII For Today's Kids

A brilliant take on what World War II's chatroom might have looked like if it were a computer realtime strategy game.

In case you were looking for me...

My New Crew?

Next time, don't forget the gravy!

No Time For the Corner Boys

Cause tonight I'm gonna take that ride
Across the river to the Jersey side
Take my baby to the carnival
And I'll take you on all the rides
--Tom Waits

As of Saturday, I'm no longer a New Yorker. New Jersey and a new job beckon my return. And just as the city wipes clean and accepts anyone who arrives from wherever, New Jersey often stains and occasionally stings like mousse dripping from a sweaty head down a bronzed face and into your eye.

But I have no complaints. Life is good. My job is to tell stories and tell them well. With some luck and hard work, the next chapter in my story should be worth sharing. Or maybe the chapter after the next one. I hear the index promises to shape up decently. Stick around.

Bones of Contention

Just a service for the powers that be, in case I am to be considered for Sandra Day O'Connor's seat on The Supreme Court. My politics, in no particular order:

• Marijuana should be legal
• Any consenting adult should be able to marry any other consenting adult outside his immediate family
• Abortion should be legal, and minors should not be required to notify or seek the consent of their parents; notification laws are innefective and potentially dangerous
• The day-after pill should be available over-the-counter; the pill's effective cancelation of a pregnancy after unprotected sex is no more an abortion than the natural ejection of any other (perhaps) fertilized egg that doesn't attach to the uterus and grow to term; According to the FDA, it is safe and would prevent countless actual abortions
• If life begins at conception, it is hardly worth fretting over; Stem cell research can save adult lives; it should be legal and supported by the government with at least as much enthusiasm as farm subsidies and energy policies favoring oil companies
• Government should not coerce citizens into following any particular religion, and government should not provide any money for religious institutions or displays; Society should not shrink from displaying the religious preference of the marjority, so long as minorities aren't coerced into practicing another religion; For example, if I live in a predominantly Christian country, Christmas can be a national holiday just as schools are closed for Jewish holidays in New York; Also, I am free to ignore Nativity scenes and tell people to go fuck themselves when they approach me on the street with a "Jews for Jesus" pamphlet
• Intelligent Design isn't science; it doesn't belong in schools; science demands evidence through experimentation to support all hypotheses; something isn't true just because you might want it to be
• Prostitution should be legal; "Why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away?"--George Carlin
• Downloading music is theft, but fans sharing music for no profit can never be stopped, and it ultimately helps the artist gain exposure; unless you're already so big you don't need it, in which case you should go back to your solid gold jacuzzi and diddle yourself
• Burning a flag is stupid, but far less harmful than outlawing a constitutionally protected act; love the principle, not the artifact
• Physician-assisted suicide is between the dying patient and the physician; Why can we put dogs out of their misery but not end our own suffering?
• Like doctors and lawyers, journalists should be shielded from being forced by the government to reveal confidential sources unless a life is at stake
• Capital punishment is not a deterrent and is racist in practice. Therefore, no state should execute a citizen simply to satiate society's or a victim's family's thirst for revenge; While more than half of the countries in the world have abolished the death penalty in law or practice, Amnesty International has compiled statistics revealing that out of the 1,813 known people executed in 1999, 85% could be accounted for by China, the Democratic Republic of the Congo, Iran, Saudi Arabia and the United States; Is this the type of company we want to keep?

Come One, Come All

This one is tame (and an actual film from 1961); If you're offended, don't dare look below

The Great American Porn Movie List

WARNING! This is --NO KIDDING!-- comedy in the worst, most depraved and offensive taste. What follows are movie titles invented from the imagination of sick, degenerate reprobates with too much time on their hands during late nights at summer camp and/or other fits of boredom (too many names to credit/blame). No women were involved in the creation of any of these titles, and I hereby preemptively apologize to them all. That's right. The whole lot of 'em. Nowhere below will you find anything remotely respectful of feminism or even simple human dignity.

Just horrible, evil, downright wrong. Shame on us all.

This list dates back to circa 1992, if that's any excuse. None of these are actual porno titles, at least as far as anyone knew at the time.

So if you are easily offended by the words of juvenile strangers indulging in a game of who-can-top-me-for sheer disgusting outrageousness...then please go find a web site about bunnies or something. And definitely skip the new film The Aristocrats.

For the rest of you sickos, try not to laugh. I dare you.

Romancing the Bone
Creamer Vs. Creamer
Bright Lights, Big Titties
The Cunt for Red October
The Sperminator
Raiders of the Lost Twat
Indiana Jones in the Temple of Poon
Jurassic Pork
Free My Willy
Dirty Rotten Cooters
Stand By Me . . . So I Can Fuck You Up the Ass
Titsie
Ordinary Peepers
Schindler’s Dick
Schindlers List of Whores
Star Whores
The Empire Sucks Dick
Return of the Red-Eye
The Smurfs and the Magic Skin Flute
When Harry Wet Sally
Come and Comer
Dazed and Abused
The Last Masturbation of Christ
Diddler on the Roof
Robin Hood: Prince of Queefs
St. Elmo’s Fire Crotch
The War of the Hoses
Doucheless People
Full Metal Dildo
All Quiet on the Western Cunt
The Shawshank Erection
The Fabulous Boner Boys
Field of Wet Dreams
The Right Muff
Forrest Hump
Coming in America
Reality Blows
Good Whoring in Vietnam
A Streetwalker Named Desire
Suddenly Last Hummer
Pokerhotass
City Prickers
Sophie’s Moist
The Great Train Sodomy
To Live and Die for a Lay
One Spew Over the Cooter’s Nest
Titty-Titty Bang Bang
Citizen Cunt (Starring Whore’s-son Welles)
Brighton Beach Mammaries
Prince of Rides
On Golden Shower
A Low Down Dirty Skank
Stench of a Woman
Twelve Horny Men
Eight Men In
Partner 57
The Hair Up There
Above the Rimjob
Blue Balls (Blue Chips)
Bush League (Major League)
Four Weddings and a Sopping Wet Pussy
In The Anus of the Father
Snow White and the Seven Whores
Crimson Tide of Menstrual Blood Oozing Down Her Leg
Queefal Weapon
Only You...Can Sing The Star Spangled Banner With My Scrotum In Your Mouth
Who’s Eating Gilbert Grape’s Dingleberries?
Flesh Gordon
Ferris Tooler Jacks Off
Felch (Fletch)
Bitch Cassidy And Her Unpantsed Kid
The Slutty Professor
Dr. Jerkoff And Mr. Hyde the Salami
Planet Of The Rapes
How To Eat An American Cooter
48 Hours...Of Continuous Anal Probing
White Men Can’t Pump
2001--Uses For A Dildo
2010-- More Uses For A Dildo
Assablanca
From Queer to Eternity
Masturbation Man (Demolition Man)
Dickboxer
Red Vaj Of Courage
Bush Durham
Jerking Girl
Riding Miss Daisy
The Color Of Pussy
Ace Vagina: Snatch Detective
The Abyss...Between Her Legs
The Adventures Of Sharon Munchmuffin (Baron Munchausen)
The Screwing Of The Lambs
Beaverjuice (Beetlejuice)
The Pelican Queef
Star Trek III: The Search For Cock
Scent Of A Woman’s Cunt
Clear And Present Boner
Little Women...Wth Huge Cocks Up Their Asses
Snatch 22
Teenage Mutant Ninja Rugmunchers
Alice Gives Head Like A Whore (Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore)
The Queerhunter
Bang The Cunt Slowly
Stainly And Anus (Stanley And Iris)
Ed Sports Wood
SwallowQueen (Holloween)
My Cock, Your Lips—Now! (Apocalypse Now!)
Loose Canyons
Every Bitch Has A Dick In Her Caboose (Every Which Way But Loose)
Fuck Hard (Die Hard)
Fuck Hard 2: Fuck Harder
Fuck Hard With a Strap-On
Honey, I Violated The Kid’s Ass
Honey, I Blew the Kids
Catch 22 STDs
Invasion Of The Hairy Snatches
A Cock Turned Orange (A Clockwork Orange)
The Color Of My Jizz
Dirty Rotten Skanks
The Muppets Take It Up the Ass
The Great Muppet Cooter
The Joy Fuck Club
A League Of Their Bone
Mary Shelly’s Franks & Beans
My Squeezin’ Weenie (My Cousin Vinny)
My Own Private Dildo
The Neverending Orgy
Plapoon

Turn Your Doberman into a Poodle

Too adorable. Can anyone really take a poodle (or a poodle owner) seriously?

Stuck in Your Head For the Rest of Your Life

I don't like mattress jingles. Or any jingles for that matter. But especially mattress jingles.

Me and an authentic long-neck Karen hill-tribe villiager from Northwestern Thailand. I'm the one on the right.

Me and an authentic normal-neck, large-mouthed Dow Jones journalist from New Jersey. I'm the one with no interest in being photographed. No, not the rotund fellow with black-rimmed glasses.

All Those Stoned-Out Faces Left Stranded

Here it is. That fluff Fourth of July story that no one is in town to read on the Saturday of a holiday weekend. As if anyone would read this anyway. Except you. Bless you, my child.

It's a Gas, Gas, Gas

Gas prices in the city hit a record average $2.42. Read all about it in one of my last Daily News stories.