War Talk, Part II

More nostalgic musings from the quaint year 2003...


Sun, 9 Mar 2003 22:54:33 -0800 (PST)

Oh, I'm convinced there will be a war, too. It's simply not a good idea to pull out your dick, wave it around for a year and then put it back in your boxers. (Unless you're Pee-Wee Herman and fella, enough is enough.) Any compromise short of war would be viewed as an empty threat by the U.S. and cripple any further use of war as a necessary dimplomatic cudgel.

I'm not convinced nation-building through war is the greatest avenue, either. But we don't have this option with N. Korea and Iran. They've already got (at least some) nuclear capability, and in the case of the nutjob running Pyongang(sp?), enough conventional weapons to level most of Seoul.

One of the first rules of war is to fight only the battles you can win. We "won" in Afghanistan almost without fighting. Iraq should be decisive, if only costly (see below). Iran and NK are going to be much more sensitive and difficult problems.

It's funny, but reading the local papers here, I can't help but think that Kim Jung Il is completely bonkers to be provoking America like he is. But then again, he's been backed into a corner by GWB's Axis o' Evil speech so maybe insanity is a logical reaction.

And your letter explained the logistical difficulty of fighting this war as well. It is obvious to almost everyone that Saddam will hole up in Bahgdad using the Iraqi people as involuntary hostages to a U.S. seige that could become a bloodbath at best and a PR nightmare at worst. Bad PR, being the euphemism for ramptant anti-Americanism and exceeded terrorist recruitment quotas throughout the world.

But do you think this is worth the risk? I'm glad that you don't sound so sure. Anyone who professes clarity on the matter is, to me, a very scary person. There is no way to predict any outcome of such a complicated mess. I mean, even for the most informed insider, it's impossible to predict the outcome of NFL games, much less seasons and Superbowls. Even if you could forecast the military results of this war, there is no way to guage fallout concerning the larger concerns for our safety as Americans in an unbalanced and itchy world.

In this case of Iraq, we should easily win the war. It's just a matter of the cost. In U.S. lives, in non-military Iraqi lives, in billions of dollars for the invasion, billions and billions (forgive me, Carl Sagan) more for the occupation and reconstruction, in anti-American sentiment, and in unachieved goals if Saddam were to likely escape like Senor Bin Shithead. Or cornered, and like you said, more liable to push whatever WMD button he's got.

And then comparing this cost to the impossible to forecast hindsight we wouldn't have if Saddam went on biz as usual and a bomb just happened to find it's way to some blind cleric in Jersey City and his cousin's backpack on the top of the Empire State building, prior to a blinding explosion that peels the paint off of the upper west side and gives the residents of Soho a permanent orange afro.

But then again, what do I know?

--D. Bones

War Talk, Part I

All this Falluja and Mosul and CARE worker beheadings and Condi "Incompetent National Security Advisor" Rice promotions and CIA defections have me nostalgic for 2003. And not just because I was living the good life in Thailand.

I remember having some optimism about this war.

What? You don't believe me, do you? Well, you might be right, because as a life-long NY Jets fan, I have a reserve of cynicism rivaled only by Iraq's untapped oil reserves. But I thought it might be educational (for me, mostly) to re-visit a series of email exchanges I conducted with a journalist buddy of mine who had recently gotten back from covering the prewar buildup in Iraq for the Arizona Republic. (And who is now a brand-new father with a son whose name is curiously similar to his dog, but who deserves hearty congratulations nonetheless)

They are long. And ranting. But there is something of at least nostalgic value in remembering what it was like before all of those well-perched misgivings slid into shithole we now call Iraq.


Thu, 6 Mar 2003 21:22:28 -0800 (PST)

Hey, welcome back Ye Olde Jew in Dangerous Places.

I was reading a little bit of your War Spring Training reporting, and I could definitely relate to the anti-American sentiments of...well, just about everyone who isn't American or Thai. When I go to a touristy beach around here, any conversation I strike up with any non-local turns into an anti-war, anti-Bush, anti-imperialist, anti American hegemony, anti-me screed. Just last weekend, some friends and I were verbally bludgeoned by a Brit chick and her Namibian friend.

Now, I'm no war-hawk (and my muddled opinions on the current situation appear below), but as someone who was in the Lincoln Tunnel when a 727 smacked into one of the buildings not far from my apartment and whose cousin was disintegrated in that building's collapse and whose friends lost friends and family, when someone insists on referring to that event as "simply a tragedy," I'm almost at a loss to contain my fury. No, Miss British twit, this was a well-orchestrated, precision ATTACK carried out with ruthless success. And shit if we can just sit around and wait for something worse...

And when someone from AFRICA of all places criticizes my country's "brand of democracy" I'm wondering how jolly good things are going in the land of genocidal warlords, crippling corruption, famine and AIDS.

But, I digress. What are your (unedited) thoughts on the matter. You taking sides? Or are you resigned to the holy-fuck-world-going-to-hell-in-a-handbasket posture I tend to adopt most often? Inquiring minds want to know.

As for me, the more I read about it, the more confused I get. One second, I'm thinking, damn, we really need to get rid of this guy, shit is gonna get worse before it gets better anyway, and if we leave Saddam alone there is too much risk he will disseminate weapons to some other really bad people who don't like us too much. Or Israel.

All it takes is one chemical attack or dirty bomb in NYC and the world's economy circles the toilet. Do we wait until thousands of Americans die before we do something? An unpopular decision isn't always a wrong decision and blah, blah Armageddoncakes.

And then I'm thinking that much of the world don't like us too much, and is it a good idea to kill innocent people and become a preemptive aggressor against a Muslim nation that will polarize even more nutcases to strap on explosives or whatever? And war is never a really good thing if it can be avoided. What allows us to value the potential death of American lives over the certain death of Iraqi lives?

And maybe Saddam is contained--he would risk anihilation if he's caught using or passing a nuke. The bigger battle is one to change the hearts and minds of large groups of people and I'm not sure aggression is the right answer.

And then again, the only thing extremist fuckheads understand is violence. A threat not backed with force is an empty threat.

So I'm realistically resigned to the fact that the ball is rolling downhill and unlikely to stop short of war. Still, a little piece of me is hopeful that we are simply posturing ourselves (with the legitimate intention to fight if necessary) just short of war to prove that we aren't kidding about disarmament. Send the carriers, planes, high-tech toys, troops and everything. Then hope he backs the fuck down and lets us run all over his country looking for stuff without firing a shot.

That's really the only way to find weapons short of destroying his country and taking it over. Too many places to hide the shit.

But the problem isn't just Iraq. It's Iraq, North Korea, Iran, Israel & Palestine, Saudi Arabia, Al Qaida, and every disaffected Arab youth in the world with nothing but blood memory and hatred to motivate him in this life.

So, how's the weather in sunny Arizona these days?

--D. Bones

Our Commander In Chief

CIA Ya Later

Just because our intelligence agencies could use a good head-to-toe cleaning of anyone that might be sane enough to criticize our president, it looks like The White House has ordered partisan acting CIA Director Porter Goss to purge the agency of anyone who hasn't pledged allegiance to their lord and saviour, Jesus W. Bush.

Hmmm...These are the same people that worked to ensure that Bush could claim the credit for not allowing another terrorist attack on US soil. When the new all-Bush team (of newly trained 4th graders, perhaps?) takes over our most crucial means of sifting through foreign terrorist threats, we should all feel much safer, no?

Isn't it interesting that no one at the CIA seems to support anything the Bush administration is doing to fight terrorism? Isn't it interesting that career non-partisan patriots like Richard Clarke and former anonymous author Michael Scheuer write scathing books and quit their posts to denounce the stupidty of our current leadership?

Jesus. And all I wanted to write tonight was a list of songs about screwing. But then there's W., running this country with the confidence and competence of Jets coach Herman Edwards running the 2-minute drill.

Top Five

An amusing diversion and perhaps a vain attempt to inject some contributions to this lonely blog.

Inspired by Nick Hornby, I wil offer here a list of top five songs in a given category. Your mission, should you likely choose to ignore it, will be to top my top five with five better tunes of your own. Judging will be arbitrary and obvious. Category definitions are strickly enforced (Sex does not mean love). Winner receives a shiny new donkey.

And now, with only this bit of further ado (and some more just 'cuz I like typing ado) is My All-Time, Top Five Best Songs About the Act of Sex:

5. I Have Been In You, Frank Zappa
4. Rock Steady, Aretha Franklin
3. Brown Sugar, The Rolling Stones
2. You Shook Me All Night Long, AC/DC
1. Sqeezebox, The Who

Elections for Dummies

I'm not the smartest person in the world. Yeah, perhaps this is false modesty from someone who has ranked in the 99th percentile on almost every national standardized test he's ever taken, but man, when I read Harper's or The Economist, I just feel as though that last 1 percent are operating on a magnitude of brain power that makes me just want to fart and eat paste.

After Sept. 11, 2001, I had faith that Colin Powell and Condoleeza Rice and Donald Rumsfeld and maybe even Dick Cheney belonged in that group of super-thinkers. Or, at the very least, they had access to better information than I did to help steer our president on the right course.

All this, of course, was before it became clear that Bush's cabal only used information to support their pre-determined course of action. Iraq was on the menu not long after The Supreme Republican Court handed Bush the presidency. And even if they made the wrong decisions based on good intentions, it would be damn hard to congratulate them for flawless execution of the plan. (Or for bothering to create a plan to begin with) Even brilliant conservative blogger Andrew Sullivan made this argument in his reluctant, tepid endorsement of John Kerry before the election.

Maybe this last statement doesn't jive with your take on things. Maybe you didn't read Bob Woodward's Plan of Attack, (advertised proudly on the White House web site) in which Cheney and friends were revealed by their own words on 9/12/01 as Iraq hawks flying in the face of the logical winds that blew toward Afghanistan and Al Qaida. Maybe you think you can't make an omelet without breaking a few hundred thousand Arab skulls--er, eggs.

But some things should be indisputable. Which makes this election all the more disturbing. In his Nov. 8 NY Times column, Bob Herbert wrote:

I think a case could be made that ignorance played at least as big a role in the
election's outcome as values. A recent survey by the Program on International
Policy Attitudes at the University of Maryland found that nearly 70 percent of
President Bush's supporters believe the U.S. has come up with "clear evidence" that Saddam Hussein was working closely with Al Qaeda. A third of the president's supporters believe weapons of mass destruction were found in Iraq. And more than a third believe that a substantial majority of world opinion supported the U.S.-led invasion. [boldface mine]

This is scary. How do you make a rational political pitch to people who have put that part of their brain on hold? No wonder Bush won.

The survey, and an accompanying report, showed that there's a fair amount of cluelessness in the ranks of the values crowd. The report said, "It is clear that supporters of the president are more likely to have misperceptions than those who oppose him."

So my question is this: When so many people are clearly not in possession of the facts, who is to blame? President Bush, who is still making rosy statements about the democratic wonderland that is Iraq and smearing any dissent as anti-American propaganda that provides aid and comfort to the enemy? The Democrats, led by John Kerry (remember him?) who have been ineffectual in forging a coherent message of opposition? The media, that treat politics like a game of strategy and zingers to be parrotted back to the people--with complete disregard for the concept that facts are by their nature, subject to empirical evidence and that lies can actually be called lies?

Nah. I blame stupid Americans. The kind that made Home Improvement the number one TV show for, like five years. The kind that weren't convinced that an NFL Hall of Famer who bleeds all over a double-murder site and his car and his home amounts to substantial evidence of his guilt. The kind that don't think invading Muslim countries might, just might, make a few more desperate religious folks a wee bit more homicidally angry at us.

Here's hoping they don't get what they deserve.

Ronald McHottie?

Only in Japan, could McDonald's advertise with a sexy clown.

Wake Up, Sleepy Head--Rub Your Eyes, Get Out of Bed

Yasir Arafat is finally dead, buried by a tide of angry, masked, gun-toting maniacs in Ramallah. Those Palestinians really know how to throw a funeral, no?

But then, maybe you'd be a little upset, too, if your peoples' Moses wandered for 40 years in the desert, made it to The Promised Land, and then--because he got more than a little high on all the fame of being a revolutionary wanderer--refused any reasonable deal, continued to sanction and sponsor terrorism, and ultimately decided to set up a corrupt camp for himself, virtually declaring: "Let my people go to hell!"

Not like any Palestinian would see it this way. But then, they are probably as blinded by celebrity as so many eulogy-writers in the American press, who rightfully admire Arafat's success in focusing world attention the Palestinian cause while shamefully understating or ignoring his methods.

Except for folks like Thomas Friedman in the NY Times (registration needed--but just go to bugmenot) and this Boston Globe Op-Ed by Jeff Jacoby that spells things out nicely.

Faces Mean More than Bumper Stickers

The Washington Post has created a new interactive web page with every single US soldier killed in Iraq. It speaks for itself.

Big (Swingin') Dick Cheney

Finally. Irrefutable proof that our vice president is a huge dick. Makes you wonder if he'll now be making any contirubtions to the National Endowment for the Well-Endowed.

Son of Hate List

And just because I've got a lot of love in my heart today...

--Cabbies who can’t make change of a $20 bill
--People who try to hail occupied & off-duty cabs
--Women who wear pantyhose with open-toe shoes
--Kidney Stones
--Deadbeat Dads
--Televangelists
--Jerry Lewis
--Bad calls made even after instant replay review
--Oysters
--Body Odor
--Inflation
--Corruption
--That “Men Are From Mars, Woman Are From Venus” Guy
--Pharmaceutical Advertising
--The US War on Drugs
--The health consequences of eating too much fat & cheese
--Show Dogs
--Cats
--“Cats” (The Broadway Play)
--Gap Commercials
--People who don’t watch where they’re walking
--Skeevy-looking Russian 20something businessmen in Italian vested suits with sandals, Beatles circa 1964-style mop-top hair, pointy sideburns & sunglasses on overcast days that try to talk like Charlie Sheen in “Wall Street” (OK, maybe it’s just this one guy I keep seeing on the bus)
--The terms “corporate culture” and “proactive”
--Lime green clothing
--Deadlines
--Too much of a good thing
--Self-loathing
--Games 6 & 7 of the 1994 NHL Eastern Conference Championship
--Network news anchor banter
--People who don’t tip
--Snakes
--Zits
--Bigotry
--Cheap millionaires
--NBC for mishandling and canceling “Freaks & Geeks”
--Paris Hilton
--Itchy balls

Hate List

Here, for no particular reason, in no particular order, are the things I most hate:

--Hillary Rodham Clinton
--Stage Mothers
--Anyone appearing on MTV's Spring Break
--Al Sharpton when he's race-baiting and not just being cute
--Boy Bands
--Anyone who thinks OJ is Innocent
--All those who represented OJ in court to boost their careers and continue still, to defend him in public
--OJ Simpson
--Hollywood Blockbuster "Event" Movies
--Larry King's boot-licking interview style
--The emaciated figures of Courtney Cox-Arquette and Calista Flockhart
--Anyone who thinks it's ironic for it to rain on your wedding day
--Adolph Hitler
--Neo-Nazis
--The Klu-Klux-Klan
--Bryant Gumble
--UPN comedies
--The writing on ER after the 4th season and post-Sorkin The West Wing
--The New York Yankees
--The New York Giants
--The New York Rangers
--Congressional Fat Cats
--Supermodels
--Mark David Chapman
--Alarm Clocks
--Smog
--Being a Jet Fan
--Social Awkwardness
--Cowardice
--Unoriginality
--Vanity
--Betrayal
--Pokemon
--The Music of Yoko Ono
--Speed/Thrash Metal
--Music Sung With An Excessive Hick TWANG
--Music Made Without Live Instruments
--Music Made Without SOUL
--Music Made With P. Diddy (See Above)
--Spaghetti With Ketchup
--Ketchup & Eggs
--Canned Tuna Fish
--Mark Messier
--Louis Farrakan
--Every SNL/Lorne Michaels-produced film other than The Blues Brothers and Wayne's World
--Crap left in the sink
--Sharon Stone
--Gangsters
--Gangster/Rappers
--Cellophane wrappers that stick to the candy
--Back/Neck Pain
--Paulie Shore Movies
--Gay bashers
--Beepers/Cell phones in movie theaters
--Barbra Streisand
--Kathie Lee Gifford
--Mob Psychology
--Religious Fundamentalists
--Stupidity
--People who speak from Ignorance
--Hatred

Jews In Space

I know you've all been clamoring, wondering, shouting from your fire escapes: "What, oh, what is new in Jewish Philanthropy?"

Well, I'd tell you here, but that would defeat the point of this article. I think you might need to register for the site, but that's a bunch of crap. For this and any such fascist tactics you encounter on the web (NY Times and LA Times come to mind), just head on over to Bugmenot, type in the URL of the offending site, and receive a username and password that will allow you access without providing any personal info. Storm the Bastile, baby!

Also in this week's annual Forward 50+ 1, meet the Jews that run the world. From Ruth Bader Ginsberg, Douglas Feith, and Arlen Specter to Jon Stewart and dozens of obscure communal and organizational leaders. Oh. And Madonna. Why? Um. Because she said so, I guess.

Roof Sex

Or you know what? Here's something a little more light-hearted and deviant for afterwards from quirky genius short-filmmaker PES.

Veterans Day Isn't The Fourth of July

It might be too painful to watch, but HBO's "Last Letters Home" tonight at 9, sounds like something you should watch anyway.

A collection of parents reading their sons' and daughters' words before dying in Iraq, the film should be mandatory viewing for any American. Whether you believe in this war or not, whether you voted for Bush or not, whether you feel safer or not, I think we can all stand to see the human face on the true cost of our actions.

And yes, they are our actions even if you don't personally support them. The families and friends of the thousands of Iraqis who have died for every single US soldier and the fundamentalists who will exploit them aren't going to necessarily distinguish pro-war Americans from anti-war Americans or red states from blue states when they are plotting ways to kill Americans in retaliation. If you think this war hasn't raised the level of desperation, anti-American hatred, and excuses for violence against us, then you might as well think that the Jets and Giants are better off without Chad Pennington and Michael Strahan.

And yeah, war is hell. It's messy. American soldiers aren't to blame for anything that goes on over there as far as I'm concerned. And I believe that our so-called leaders, while completely deluded and dangerously incompetent, have noble (or at least not patently evil) intentions. But we owe it to ourselves, these soldiers, and their families to bear witness to the consequences.

Ding Dong

So. Apparently after a week-long tease, filled with rumors, political jockeying, fundamentalist upheaval and dire health issues, he's gone.

Huh? What's that? Oh, I see. You're wondering if I'm talking about the departure of Attorney General John Ashcroft or the more permanent departure of Yasir Arafat. Does it really matter?

Both are cause for measured celebration. I mean, it's probably a little crass to equate an international terrorist and religious zealot blinded by fear and hatred and who has little regard for the future and safety of his own people...with Yasir Arafat. That crusty shitbag probably deserves a little better, right?

3rd Grade Humor

Hey! There are clouds on Uranus!

Really. Try to say this aloud without laughing.

My Adoring Public

Well, the joyous responses to this blog are just rolling in...like good news from Iraq or a bowling ball that falls off the return chute and onto your foot.

Two quick samples, this first one from Miss Christina Rogers of the New York University Graduate School of Journalism:

Yes, this is just what i [sic] have been waiting for all my life. RollingBones--a new look at the same old, same old. Glad you found something to do with all the spare time aside from you know...looking for jobs and gracing the eyes of obscure jewish [sic] readers with your stylized prose. How do I comment on this mofo, yo?

And from Alana Newhouse, Arts & Culture editor of the Forward:

Just what the blogosphere needed, another ranting Jew. Mazl Tov!

Well let me just say that I am touched by the outpouring of snarky support and overwhelming indifference to the chorus of raving retards that sing their own grating, O-Townesque blogging tunes. Let it be said here and now that my brand of grating, raving retardation will more closely resemble the jazz stylings of Billie Holiday or Abby Lincoln. Or maybe just sound as enjoyable as a holiday in the Lincoln Tunnel.

The point is, that you should feel welcome to dip your feet in these waters, splash some back in my face, and make farting noises with your armpits.

Land of the Setting Sun

For all you hard workers with um, you know, jobs and stuff, here's something that might cheer you up a little. Or at least make you thankful that you're not a Japanese businessman.

More Fun With Maps

Everyone probably has seen these good-times electoral maps, but if you haven't, it might be something worth checking out before you jump on the media bandwagon that has coronated W with some mysterious "mandate" after he squeaked by in one of the closest elections in US history.